Editor’s note: I walked in from my lunch break to find another audio recording from our “friend” on my desk. Sounds like our spy has been busy! Click on the following “video” to listen to Dr. Sylvia Sinestra lecture on “The Proper Procedure for Hiring Evil Henchmen,” or scroll down to read the transcript.
Howdy folks. Well, good news—I’m still alive. Bad news—these villains have kept
me running all week long! Now that they’re alerted to my presence, they’ve been
tearing this place apart trying to find me. Not that I’m too worried—these guys
obviously haven’t taken Tracking 101. It’s one of the advantages of being a
Good Guy—we’re used to hunting down Villains, while the Villains aren’t quite
so used to hunting us down.
Sinestra’s class. Couldn’t manage to get a seat in the back today, and didn’t
want to risk sitting up front, so let’s just say, I’m perched somewhere high
and slightly precarious, but I’ve got a great birds-eye view of the auditorium,
so it’s not too bad.
received confirmed reports that there is a spy in our midst. One of you is
has to fear is publicity. As we discussed in our last class, anonymity is the
worst fate that can befall a Super-Villain. So, let the world know what the
Academy of Ultimate Villainy teaches, and let it tremble in fear of the next
generation of Super-Villains!
Ultimate Villainy would like to offer our thanks
to the spy . . . and this warning: Whoever you are, you will be caught. And you
will experience firsthand just how grateful
the Academy can be.
discussion today. You see on your desks, the fifty question quiz from our last
session. Turn it in by the end of class. I need not remind you of the penalty
for wrong answers—I’m sure you all remember.
discussing the Proper Procedure for
Hiring Evil Henchmen.
necessary cog in the machine of Super-Villainy. Without evil henchmen, many a
notable Super-Villain would be unable to accomplish their dastardly schemes.
diabolically clever as we are, we simply cannot be in two places at once—the Mad
Science Lab has been working on an Omnipresent
Machine for years, and the science simply isn’t there yet. So, we are
forced to rely upon underlings to be our hands, feet, eyes, and ears throughout
underlings—these are our minions, expendable crewmen, and evil henchmen. Today, we shall focus on evil henchmen and how to go about hiring them.
Super-Villain are the brains of the outfit. Your evil henchmen are the brawn—the
brutes, the muscle to get the dirty work done.
henchmen have become somewhat of a stereotype—I’m sure you’ve all seen it
depicted in modern entertainment. The witless brute with massive arms, a face
that looks like his mummy took a sledgehammer to it, more like a gorilla than a
man. As long as he doesn’t speak, he appears fairly intimidating, but the
second he opens his mouth, you realize that he’s probably just as slow in a
fight as he is at thinking. And this, of course, only serves to give the hero
more often than not, it is true. Evil henchmen are
notoriously dull witted. And historically, they have been responsible for the
downfall of many a Super-Villain.
can, and should, be avoided at all cost. When the time comes for you to hire your
evil henchmen, there are 5 steps you can take to ensure that your henchmen
possess a little brains along with the brawn.
- Ask the evil
henchmen their name. If it’s something like Gob, or Snort, or Bubba, or even
worse, they respond “Uh . . . duh . . . um . . .” Don’t hire them!
- Engage them in a
five minute conversation. If they use the word “duh” at all, send them packing. Or better yet, send them to the
dragon and rid the sub-villain world of their stupidity.
- Perform an IQ
test. We’re not expecting Moriarty-level genius here, but find henchmen who can
at least pass the first question! Henchmen need to be able to do basic things
like read and write. A novel idea, I know. Don’t get me started on the number
of times heroes have pulled the whole fake entrance pass trick and so lied their way into the Super-Villains fortress simply because the gatekeeper couldn’t
- Get references.
Ask for resumes. Understandably, when you’re first starting out as a
Super-Villain, you cannot be too choosy when assembling your sub-villain team,
but at the very least insist upon your henchmen providing references and resumes
when they apply for the job. They ask the same when ordinary people apply to
work the most basic jobs in the ordinary world. You as a Super-Villain can do
- The Fight Test.
Submit your applicants to a rigorous fight test and training program. One of
the stereotypes of evil henchmen is that they often possess no more fighting
skills than a wet noodle. What is the use of hiring muscle, if your evil
henchmen don’t know how to use it in a fight? Train your evil henchmen in the
arts of subtlety, deception, weaponry, and knockout punches, and you will be well
on your way to assembling a Super-Army to rule the world.
the other members of the sub-villains class—minions and expendable crewmen. Your assignment for
today, little villains, is to find that spy. Class dismissed.
that was interesting. Um . . . well, hope you find this lecture helpful as you
combat the world of Super-Villainy, and you crazy authors do what you crazy
authors do. I’m uh . . . going to sneak out of here now. And go do something especially
villainous so I can keep my cover. So long for now. This is your spy at the
Academy of Ultimate Villainy, signing off.