TOP SECRET COMM. #9
FROM: THE SPY
TO: READERS OF THE BLOG
Those of you who’ve been hanging around this blog for some time may be wondering where in the whole wide world I’ve got to these past several months. Last time I sent word, I had recently been captured by the sinister Dr. Sinestra and locked in the Filthy Dungeons of Doom and Gloom (yes, that is their actual title—creative, isn’t it?) deep below the Academy of Ultimate Villainy.
I can only imagine how you lot must have been worried sick, picturing me chained to a wall in the damp and dark, gnawing on hard crusts of bread, making friends with the rodents while slowly wasting away … To be honest, I was a prisoner for a grand total of one week before managing to pull off a brilliant escape (using techniques learned from the Warrior-in-Hero-Training School of the Round Table) and have been undercover ever since.
Due to the unfortunate end of my last spying gig, we decided it was best to keep my presence hidden until after I’d collected all the information we needed. A novel idea, right? So having just completed a semester posing as a student at the AUV, recording lectures, reading textbooks, and taking notes—and acing all my classes, I might add—I am pleased to send the following to you … and do hope you enjoy learning about weapons, arsenals, and other villainous stuff.
P.S. Seriously … enjoy. Please? I could have died gathering this intel for you, so please put it to good use writing epic villains the like of which I will hope never to meet.
Professor Hornbuckle enters—a rather rotund fellow, mustachioed, spectacled, wearing a rumpled suit coat and tie and carrying a bulging briefcase. He poses beside the podium and breaks into a speech with a voice better suited to Shakespearian theatre than the classroom:
Weapons … weapons … glorious instruments of death! These the tools without which no villain can spread murder and mayhem. Without which no villain can cause death and destruction. Without which no villain can survive. But what use are tools if the hand is not skilled to use them?
When it comes to learning how to master-mind murder and mayhem, one must start at the beginning: with the weapon. There are countless weapons available in a villain’s arsenal, not to mention a host of things at his or her disposal which can be turned into a weapon at the snap of a finger. The weapons we shall discuss fall into three rather messy categories: weapons of force, intelligence, and subterfuge.
Today we shall focus on the first. I’m afraid you’ll have to attend class again—yes, boo hiss all you want—to catch the next lectures.
1. Weapons of Force
These are the sorts of weapons that everyone thinks of as weapons. Easy one, right? (Don’t worry, it won’t seem so easy on the test …) Swords. Hammers. Axes. Siege towers. Guns. Bombs. You name it. If it can strike hard and kill fast, it’s a weapon of force according to our definition. Now, I could spend hours talking about each type of weapon and breaking them down into further classifications—hand to hand, long range, weapons of mass destructions, etc.—but we really don’t have time for that in class. Don’t cheer yet though, that’s your homework assignment. Due before midnight. (Yes, I know, I’m evil.)
Today, we’re here to chat about the guiding principles when it comes to choosing and using a weapon of force, rather than the specifics:
Never Leave Home Without One
I don’t care if you’re the “keep your hands clean” type of villain. A savvy villain always keeps a forceful weapon near to hand – even if it’s nothing more than a pen knife. In our line of work, you never know when you’ll stumble across some crazy do-or-die hero. It’s always best to be prepared.
That said …
Anything Can Be a Weapon
Remotes, pillows, chewing gun wrappers, etc. The world is cluttered with potential weapons, and a skilled villain should know how to transform even the most seemingly innocuous items into a weapon if need should arrive.
While this is an invaluable skill to have, I do also recommend finding and settling upon a particular forceful weapon that fits your skills and needs as a villain.
Your Chosen Weapon of Force Should Be Distinctive
Your weapon is a part of your “brand” as a villain. Everyone remembers Captain Hook. And who could mistake the Grim Reaper for anything but? Or on the opposite side of the spectrum, where would Thor be without his hammer or Captain America without his shield? When you terrorize citizens, they should be able to recognize your handiwork by your weapon alone. This is yet another way you can stand out as a villain in a villain crowded world.
Bigger is Not Always Better
In pursuit of the distinctive, villains sometimes stumble into the absurd. Having the biggest weapon on the block does not make it the best weapon. If your weapon is bigger than you are, you will look absurd. If you cannot swing your weapon without stumbling, you will look absurd. And that, my dear little villains, is hardly the impression you want to leave.
It should go without saying that this is why a massive block of stone at the end of a long chain—memorable though it may be—is really a terrible weapon. Especially when fighting atop a frozen body of water. (Yes, Azog, I’m pointing at you.)
The only instance in which such a weapon could be employed would be if your opponent was chained the ground with no earthly chance of escaping your blow. If he is in any way mobile, for badness sake, ditch the boulder and choose a weapon that will allow you to move around too.
That concludes our lecture on weapons of force. We’ll move on to weapons of intelligence next class. For your assignment, study pages 7-83 in Weaponology for the Wicked. I expect all vocabulary memorized word for word and you’ll want to be prepared for a 70 question pop quiz (worth 10% of your grade) on weapon classifications next class. Have a very dismal day!
Do you have any tips for the aspiring villain on how to go about choosing or using a “weapon of force?” If so, share in the comments!
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