[Editor’s Note: Welcome back from the Holidays! I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas! And that you didn’t spend Christmas like me, dodging down black alleys, hiding in trashcans, and sneaking around in a coat and ski mask, all so that I could obtain the following transcript from my top secret double agent currently undercover at the Academy of Ultimate Villainy.
It was harrowing. But I survived that 3 story fall from the rooftop into the dumpster and (most importantly!) the briefcase with the precious transcript remained intact!
Here is installment number two from the Academy of Ultimate Villainy on Villainy 101 – 5 Things Every Villain Should Do.]
SPEAKER: Ladies and gentlemen, students, sub-villains, villains, and arch-villains, and any evil henchmen too dull to read the “no evil henchmen permitted” sign on the door, welcome to Villainy 101!
Once again our illustrious Instructor of Villainy has returned safe from battling heroes and their sickening good causes, to speak on the FIVE things a villain should employ to achieve Ultimate Villainy. Pay attention like evil little villains and learn from the worst of the worst! Our dastardly villainous Instructor!
*raucous applause*
INSTRUCTOR: Thank you, Mr. Speaker. Once again, may I say what a terrible pleasure it is to be here this evening! Ahem. No cameras, if you please. Pictures are absolutely forbidden. Violators will be fed to the dragon!
Now, to begin. 5 things a villain should employ to achieve Ultimate Villainy.
1) Mystery
Mystery is the key to evil villainy. Now, I know that you will recall from our last session that I warned against the dangers of the grandiose speech and info download, and said that silence was key to villainy. Mystery outranks silence.
There are two forms of mystery which may be employed by the astute villain.
The first is in regard to planning. You must maintain mystery in regard to your evil plots and devious plans. Do not speak your plans aloud – you can see how this is tied to the speeches, do you not?
Heroes are the worst eavesdroppers in the world! Many a poor villain has spouted off the particulars of his plan in what he thought was the privacy of his secret lair, only to discover too late that he had company! You may have the most elaborate security system in the world, the best guard dog, the finest trip wires, and a state of the art alarm system. Regardless, the heroes will get in, and they will overhear, and you will die.
In fact, it’s best if you don’t even think your brilliant plans. Authors are mind readers. And as we’ve already said, authors are always ALWAYS on the heroic side. Keep your plans a mystery!So, don’t speak your plots aloud. Don’t write them down. And never, ever, leave top secret files lying around. Or passwords already typed into computers. Seriously? Better yet, don’t store your top secret plans on the computer. Heroes are excellent hackers.
The second aspect of mystery employed by dastardly clever villains is the mystery of identity! On the whole, we villains are a terrifying breed. Men quake at the merest whisper of our names. Identity and reputation is everything. There are some, however, of a less fear inspiring sort (or those who wish to keep their identities hidden for nefarious purposes) who must resort to other methods. A mysterious identity is the thing for these villains.
3 steps to achieving a mysterious identity:
- Forget your own name. It is no longer yours. You have a new name. There is some controversy over whether a mysterious villain should suggest his own name or leave it to the terrified commoners to supply. I have seen many a poor mysterious villain labeled with the ignoble epithet of Bigfoot or Boogeyman due to bystander ignorance and lack of creativity. Generally, I find it best to use one of those random Villain name generators available on the Internet.
- Choose a wardrobe – preferably something dark and scary. Ordinarily, I am in favor of a wide range of colors for Villains (black is so cliched!). However, when it comes to Villains maintaining a mysterious identity, dark colors are necessary to inspire the proper fear and elusivity. Ski masks, eyes masks, hooded robes, black top hats, walking sticks, strange face painting jobs, etc. are considered absolutely necessary accessories. If you are in need, contact our Villainous Wardrobing department to acquire these basic necessities.
- Work out. I’m sorry, one does not become a Top Villain by sitting on the couch and munching on cheese curls. Prospective mysterious villains must take evil ninja lessons. You must be able to appear and disappear like a flash. Here and there. Now then gone. Like a shadow. Or a big black butterfly flitting from place to place. Yes, Mr. Speaker, I know that “butterfly” is a taboo word. Bat then. A big black bat.
- A bonus one! I’m really too generous for my own good. A mysterious villain must strive for unpredictability. Spontaneity is necessary. Rule of thumb: Never show up when expected, and always show up when not expected.
*door bursts open and black clad figure rushes across stage, pauses to bow to the audience, and disappears in a flash, bang, and cloud of smoke.*
Ah yes, the Black Phantom. Excellent, isn’t he?
2) Sinistry
Yes, I invented the word. No, don’t summon the linguistics or grammar police! I doubt they would care to show up here anyway.
Villains get such a bad name in regard to sinistry. The villains portrayed in modern television shows as supposedly dark and sinister are scarcely more than bumbling idiots prancing around in black robes, throwing in an evil chuckle now and then (horrors!) and utterly failing in the department of sinistry!
A true villain should be sinister. Not merely frightening. But soul shattering, knee quivering, lip tremblingly sinister. How does one attain sinistry? By attending my classes of course! Sinistry is often tied to mystery. The unspoken word, the all-knowing look, and the foul smirk all add to sinistry, and unfortunately, the grandiose speech does not.
Villains often use physical tools or appearance to achieve a sinister impression. What is more sinister than Captain Hook’s hook? Or Darth Vader’s creepy breathing? Admittedly, the movies did not give full justice to Captain Hook or Darth Vader. If the common humans ever met the real villains! Pray excuse me a truly evil chuckle as I contemplate the incident.
3) Insanity
It has often been said that there is a fine line between genius and insanity. Never was a truer word spoken. Villains are geniuses. We are also often insane. And proud of it! Insanity coupled with power inspires fear and terror in the hearts of men like nothing else.
In fact, this route to ultimate villainy has proved so effective throughout history that many villains – regardless of their mental stability – claim insanity and act insanely in order to further their own reputations. Insanity also gives the villain a slight advantage. Who can help but pity a madman? And who can hold a madman wholly culpable for his insane acts?
As I mentioned last time, unless you have received complete and adequate training in the true evil laugh (as of course, I have!), the insane approach is the only time when an evil laugh may be usefully and most fearfully employed.
4) The Miserable Backstory
“But I didn’t ask to be like this. It was my poor upbringing. It was my miserable childhood. It was my abandonment at the age of three that embittered me. It was the author’s fault. It was anyone or anything but me!”
The miserable backstory. Make the most of it. Tell it wherever you can. Even if you have to make it up on the spot. Every evil villain has a miserable backstory. Nowadays, when commoners are more concerned about motivation and psychology than criminals actually taking responsibility for wrong doing, it is easy for the sagacious villain to pass the buck.
An evil villain is often called upon to drop the Miserable Backstory at a moment’s notice, so I suggest writing it out beforehand and memorizing it until you can say it effectively. A few tears work wonders. And that terrible little catch in your voice when you talk about “Mumsie dear’s piteous end!” will catch the hero off guard every time.
Heroes are tough in battle, but incredible softies when it comes to actually pitying people. The Miserable Backstory will work every time! It is also an excellent way to engage reader sympathy and interest. Once the reader is emotionally involved, the battle is half won!
And once the hero falls for the sob story, victory lies but a quick blow away!
5) —
But wait, before I introduce my next topic and while I am still on the topic of victory, I must… yes, I must make one disclaimer. Bear with me.
A villain strives for victory, but a villain should not expect to win.
*the crowd erupts* What? Lies! Treachery!
Silence. Silence. Cease this uproar immediately! Villains are doomed to failure. It’s a hard fact to swallow, but it is all too true.
Heroes have omniscience on their side. The authors know everything. Why, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if there are authors listening in right now.
[Editor’s note: You can be sure that when I read this I was glad that I wasn’t there! I shudder to think what might have happened to an author caught eavesdropping in the Academy of Ultimate Villainy!]
Booooo! Hisssssss! He’s a hero-friend! Kick him out!
Hear me out! I’m simply stating the truth. And then there’s something about this age old battle of good against evil, light against darkness, that keeps cropping up in so many fantastical and fictional works. Something about evil going to be destroyed forever. It’s depressing, but villains must not be dismayed! Instead, we must…
BOOOOOOOO!
Double-crosser!
Traitor!
TAKE HIM TO THE DRAGON!
What? No. You can’t do that to me! *static on radio* Red Alert. Riot in subterranean room 112, class Villainy 102! Send backup. Please! Ahhhhh!
[Editor’s Note: At this point in time, my contact thought it prudent to slip away before the building collapsed beneath the villainous tumult. Sadly, I therefore do not know what became of the evil Instructor of Villainy, what number 5 was going to be, or whether I will be able to obtain any more transcripts from the Academy of Ultimate Villainy or not.]
Concerning the transcript:
Written by the light of a sputtering candle.
It has come to my attention that one Gillian of battles and dragons and such had undertook an undertaking to get a transcript of Villainy 102, something I am deeply interested in myself, as I have various villainous problems assaulting my own archives and, sometimes, my dog.
I found this transcript immensely helpful in my plight: if I were you, I would gather more lore in a heartbeat. If needed, I could supply backup from my own limited resources, though they are stretching thin as I'm under siege by a dastardly fellow who tells me to keep him anonymous…I'll call him Pro, for the sake of Mystery (Point One).
*glances up* Hold on…someone's knocking on the door. I hope this isn't another surrender proposal…
At any rate, keep going. The rest of the Writers are depending on you.
In darkness and secrecy,
Jake of the Sadaar
Please, please, if any more of this top secret and invaluable information is available to be obtained, by any and all means necessary, obtain it!
I have been using these lectures in an attempt to educate my handsome and diabolical (but none-too-bright) villain on how he could be a bit more savvy in the ways of villainy. It's difficult going (he's a slow learner – probably due to some unfortunate event in his miserable backstory) but you've given me hope that perhaps with enough time and effort I can make him into a truly dastardly villain.
A sorcerer's attainment of ultimate villainy depends on you, Gillian. Don't stop now!
Died laughing reading this – absolutely fantastic :)
Died of laughing? That's a good response.
I don't really think Hook's hook is very sinister though.
I dare say, keep observing. If necessary, I can send an extraction team.
Technically Hook’s hook is very sinister because sinister originally just meant left handed, and Hook’s hook is on his left.
Jake – oh dear, I wish you luck in avoiding Pro. He sounds like a truly dastardly villain.
Mary Ruth – Thanks for the encouragement. I suppose I must carry on! I encourage your evil villain to enroll in the Academy of Ultimate Villainy if he really wishes to learn from the worst! ;)
Charley R – Died laughing? Well, I suppose that's at least a happy way to die! :)
Varon – I'm sure that the evil Instructor of Villainy would say that the form of Hook's hook that you are familiar with may not seem sinister, but that's only because you haven't met the REAL Hook or seen his REAL hook!
Many thanks for your offer. I shall be sure to let you know if an extraction team is needed!
Right.
I'm sure. Perhaps he should meet a villain of mine, who probably predates everyone at the academy, perhaps as a guest speaker.
That was utterly fantastic, Gil.
And yes, as Sir Jake said, the rest of us writers are depending on YOU! (no pressure…..)
http://madscientistanthology.wordpress.com/submission-guidelines/
This information has just reached me through a chain of trained intelligence agents.
You may have the information they're looking for. Be on your guard.
Thanks for the warning Varon! Whew. I shall indeed be on my guard. I just ordered the best watch dog in the world off of ebay! Nothing like a baby dragon to keep the villains from walking on the grass. Hopefully it will arrive soon.
Speaking of villainy, I'm hoping to be able to write more posts from the AUV soon! The nature of my latest visits have been of such a troubling and informative nature that I haven't been able to write anything up yet…
Oh dear, someone's banging on the door. They must have followed me here. I have to go! Signing off.
You're welcome.
This is amazing! I just found you and have never enjoyed a 101 script as much as I enjoyed yours. Beautifully done and I cannot wait to read more
I cannot believe I only found you today, and my villains are improving! Maybe I haven’t thought this one through properly…
I suggest you do one for heroes. My hero needs improvement, and lots of it.
Sincerely,
Author #1
Dilemma!
My hero is indebted to my villain, who has fallen in love with her!
What is the smart villain thing to do?
I hope there is a good answer to this. If not, my characters will hate me for eternity. And, since they are all in my head, they are there all day. There is no escape…
I must admit I disagree with one thing: That villains always lose.
If an author is intent on the hero winning, then yes. But when you have the book Artemis Fowl, *spoiler alert* the villain, Artemis Fowl is, well, the winner. And protagonist. Perhaps that is the good thing of having a twelve-year-old criminal mastermind as a villain; they’re unpredictable.
This is wonderful. Good luck to your spy, and for the first time, I slightly-very slightly- feel sorry for that instructor. He was telling the truth on the fact that villains always lose and authors are on the heroes side.
Cannot wait for the next one!