As promised, musings inspired by reading A Time to Die by Nadine Brandes: I always thought I was ready to die.
I cringe as I say it, because now it strikes me as a terribly arrogant thing to say. Growing up, I was convinced that something bad was going to happen to me at some point in my life. I was going to go blind, I was going to get diagnosed with an incurable disease, I was going to fight an epic battle against orcs and die trying to save my comrades … Okay, so maybe not the last one.
I’ll admit it sounds kinda weird and just a little silly. Don’t ask me why I was convinced, I just was. It’s not that I was fascinated with suffering or wanted to die or anything like that, but I knew even then that there were things I was willing to give my life for, and I thought that somehow God would give me joy in the midst of suffering. And by George, I thought I was ready. (Those of you who are a mite older and wiser are already shaking your heads at me.)
Some of y’all know that I was in a pretty rough car accident this past summer—you can read a little bit about it here, though I was on pretty strong pain meds when I wrote that post, so … be forewarned. Once the adrenaline started to wear off, and I emerged from the first of several surgeries, I remember laying in a hospital bed, replaying the accident over and over, recalling every thought, every feeling, every moment of fear, and realizing that it was only by God’s grace I had survived.
I could have died. Just like that.
And that thought just about knocked me down and stole the breath from my lungs. I was horrified to discover that I wasn’t quite as ready to die and trade this earthly life for a heavenly existence as I’d hoped and imagined. It wasn’t that I was afraid of dying in and of itself. In Christ I know that I have an eternal hope that lasts beyond the grave, and nothing can take that hope from me. It was the quickness of it. It was the knowledge that my life could have been snuffed out in a split second. And it was the fear that at the end of the day the full sum and total of my time on this earth amounted to very little.
It was the realization that I have squandered so much of the time I have been given. So many hours poured into entertainment, wasted on my own desires, spilt in selfishness. Too often we put off the things we know we should be doing so we can enjoy ourselves now, imagining that there will be time enough to deal with them later. It was the knowledge that I hadn’t yet lived to the fullest the life I wanted to live for Christ on earth before being called home.
To me, it was a stunning revelation and a heartbreaking one.
I read A Time to Die by Nadine Brandes a few months after my car accident and found it extremely thought provoking in light of my recent awakening. If you’re not familiar with the story, Parvin Blackwater lives in a world where everyone has a clock that counts down the time until their death. With one year left to live, Parvin believes she has wasted her life and sets out to live her final days with meaning and purpose. Unlike Parvin, I don’t know how many hours remain in my life, nor how many days or months or years … nor would I want to. But I do know that I don’t want to waste the time allotted to me. I don’t want to face my death with the same feelings of time wasted and hours misspent.
When all is said and done, I know it is not what I have done but what Christ has done for me. But I also know that the time I have been given is a gift and each breath I draw comes from His hand, and I sure don’t want to waste it. It is far too easy to live only for the here and now. It is far too easy to revel in the momentary pleasures. It is far more difficult to live a life of meaning and purpose. A life dedicated to something greater, to bringing glory to the One who created us. But when the hour of my death comes, the words I desire above all else to hear are “Well done, good and faithful servant.”
“All my life I’ve wondered what my purpose is. Today, I realize with a twist in my gut, that all my wondering and waiting hindered me from seeking a purpose. I could have done so much more if I’d braved intentionality sooner.” – A Time to Die, Nadine Brandes
How about you? How do you want to live your life?
Don’t forget to enter the giveaway for A Time to Die!
I have been thinking on a similar train of thought, as one of our dearly loved neighbors died recently. I want to spend my life serving God, and most of all, making Him known to others!
Elizabeth
There's no better way to live your life, Elizabeth! If there's one thing I've learned it's that we humans tend to be forgetful beings, and sometimes it takes something big to wake us up and remind us of what's really important. I am sorry for the loss of your neighbor.
Please pray for her husband, Richard. While she was a Christian, and not afraid or worried, it was very hard on him, and he is not a Christian. Please also pray that God would show us how to minister to him, and help him feel loved and supported.
I love the post. It is very thought provoking. Thanks for sharing this. It's going to stay with e for a while. :)
Thank you, Brooke! I hope it stays with me for a while too, and I never forget. It's so easy to get sucked back into normal life and forget about the really important things.
A Time to Die is definitely on my to-read list. I'm kind of scared to read it… It, like your post, sounds very difficult but worthy to read.
I think you would really enjoy it, Allison. It's not necessarily an easy, feel good read. But it does make you think and it certainly isn't without hope!
I came to similar conclusions, though through less drastic means. From early childhood, I grew up on stories of Nate Saint, and John Wycliffe, and all the martyrs and heroes. Though I aspired to such selflessness for God, I wasted my life in playing. I was only a child, after all. But when I was about thirteen, three things happened. I surrendered my life to Jesus, I almost drowned in a swimming accident, and I read a book called Don't Waste Your Life, by John Piper. Figuring what I was to do with this new life in Christ, still having nightmares from almost drowning, and pondering over what John Piper said, convinced me that time is precious, and not to be wasted in frivolity. No more computer games, little social media, and limited pleasure reading. What truly matters are the hours spent in prayer, and the moments with people, even strangers you meet. Good post, GIllian.
Thanks for sharing, Michaella! I think what really stands out to me is the idea of being intentional to grasp the moments and opportunities that God gives me, rather than just drifting through life waiting for stuff to hit me up the side of the head before I notice it. Lol.
That's why I love that quote from A Time to Die that I included at the end!
This post is really thought provoking… It is scary how quickly we can go from being in this world, just like that.
It can be, that's for sure! But I know we're not meant to live in fear, so my hope instead is that we'll all live in the knowledge that even though we're not necessarily guaranteed another day on this earth, we are guaranteed eternal life through the blood of Jesus Christ!
And that's a hope that can inspire us to live each day for something more than the pleasures of this life, because at the end of the day, those don't really mean much.
Your post is very thought provoking. I intend to take it to heart.
Thank you for stopping by, Susan! To be honest, this post was probably one of the hardest I've ever tried to write … which was part of why I knew I had to write it, if only to sort my own thoughts out in my own heart.
Wow! This is such a thought provoking post. I completely agree. It is SO important to live life to the fullest and not idly waste time because one never knows how many days he/she has left. I think it's also important to not just be working all the time but too relax as well, and learn to tell the difference between relaxing and wasting time. It's difficult to strike the perfect balance, but it's so worth it.
That's a great insight, Ana, and such an important distinction we need to make. I have a tendency to throw myself completely into working for hours on end until I'm totally burnt out, which isn't good or healthy either. Not every waking hour has to be spent doing something. Sometimes, it's just as important to be still. :)
This was a beautiful post. I loved your candor and know that we're all guilty of wasting time. I always love reading about the martyrs who gave their lives for Christ and used to fantasize about that, too. I like what you said about how that's arrogant. It hadn't hit me that way before, but you're absolutely right. I'm sure those men and women were living their everyday lives, striving to serve God the best way they could. We don't know what we'd do in similar situations, and our motivations should be unselfish and sincere.
I've had several serious bouts with pneumonia during my life, and anytime you're faced with the reality that death is all-too real, it makes you realize how precious life is. Life is a gift, and I've learned that God asks us to know Him. He wants to walk with us, to be our Father and Brother. He'll reveal to us ways in which we can serve in His kingdom. I've heard people say, "You can only prove your love once when you die". Living everyday in this sin-filled world gives us opportunities to love others. Some of my favorite verses are in 1 John, where the apostle talks of "walking in the light". Loving our brothers and sisters, helping them and putting them before ourselves is what God desires. I also love the verses in Matthew where Jesus says "What you did for the least of these my brothers, you did for me". Living in this world of temptation makes it difficult, and we make so many mistakes, but I'm so grateful for God's grace.
I want to share the love of Christ through acts of service. Being blind, I enjoy working with students in schools and church settings. I pray that, in some small way, God can use things I write, my music and my time spent with students to make a difference.
Thank you again for this wonderful post. God bless you. I'm so thankful that you're doing well.
Thanks so much for sharing, Meredith! You are an inspiration to me, and I've only interacted with you online, so I can only imagine what a beautiful example you are of Christ's love and of service and faithfulness in real life too. :)
I John is one of my favorite books of the Bible. It has so many beautiful verses about what it actually means to love one another, and you can just tell by the way that John writes that he lived what he preached. My prayer is that I will do the same!
Thank you for sharing. I think many of us believe we are ready for death, because it seems far off. It could happen at any moment though, and we often forget that. Every second is a gift from God and should be used to glorify Him. He has given us time on earth for a reason, and we need to work toward the goals and missions He has given us.
I loved and hated A Time to Die. That is the best way I can explain it. The story is so amazing and wonderful and I adored the characters, but every time I say I loved it I feel Jude glaring at me. I had to go out and slam some doors when I finished, because of Jude and Reid.