TOP SECRET COMM. #9
FROM: THE SPY
TO: READERS OF THE BLOG
Those of you who’ve been hanging around this blog for some time may be wondering where in the whole wide world I’ve got to these past several months. Last time I sent word, I had recently been captured by the sinister Dr. Sinestra and locked in the Filthy Dungeons of Doom and Gloom (yes, that is their actual title—creative, isn’t it?) deep below the Academy of Ultimate Villainy.
I can only imagine how you lot must have been worried sick, picturing me chained to a wall in the damp and dark, gnawing on hard crusts of bread, making friends with the rodents while slowly wasting away … To be honest, I was a prisoner for a grand total of one week before managing to pull off a brilliant escape (using techniques learned from the Warrior-in-Hero-Training School of the Round Table) and have been undercover ever since.
Due to the unfortunate end of my last spying gig, we decided it was best to keep my presence hidden until after I’d collected all the information we needed. A novel idea, right? So having just completed a semester posing as a student at the AUV, recording lectures, reading textbooks, and taking notes—and acing all my classes, I might add—I am pleased to send the following to you … and do hope you enjoy learning about weapons, arsenals, and other villainous stuff.
The Spy
P.S. Seriously … enjoy. Please? I could have died gathering this intel for you, so please put it to good use writing epic villains the like of which I will hope never to meet.
Master-Minding Murder and Mayhem: A Villain’s Arsenal 
Professor Hornbuckle enters—a rather rotund fellow, mustachioed, spectacled, wearing a rumpled suit coat and tie and carrying a bulging briefcase. He poses beside the podium and breaks into a speech with a voice better suited to Shakespearian theatre than the classroom:
Weapons … weapons … glorious instruments of death! These the tools without which no villain can spread murder and mayhem. Without which no villain can cause death and destruction. Without which no villain can survive. But what use are tools if the hand is not skilled to use them?
When it comes to learning how to master-mind murder and mayhem, one must start at the beginning: with the weapon. There are countless weapons available in a villain’s arsenal, not to mention a host of things at his or her disposal which can be turned into a weapon at the snap of a finger. The weapons we shall discuss fall into three rather messy categories: weapons of force, intelligence, and subterfuge.
Today we shall focus on the first. I’m afraid you’ll have to attend class again—yes, boo hiss all you want—to catch the next lectures.
1. Weapons of Force
These are the sorts of weapons that everyone thinks of as weapons. Easy one, right? (Don’t worry, it won’t seem so easy on the test …) Swords. Hammers. Axes. Siege towers. Guns. Bombs. You name it. If it can strike hard and kill fast, it’s a weapon of force according to our definition. Now, I could spend hours talking about each type of weapon and breaking them down into further classifications—hand to hand, long range, weapons of mass destructions, etc.—but we really don’t have time for that in class. Don’t cheer yet though, that’s your homework assignment. Due before midnight. (Yes, I know, I’m evil.)
Today, we’re here to chat about the guiding principles when it comes to choosing and using a weapon of force, rather than the specifics:
Never Leave Home Without One
I don’t care if you’re the “keep your hands clean” type of villain. A savvy villain always keeps a forceful weapon near to hand – even if it’s nothing more than a pen knife. In our line of work, you never know when you’ll stumble across some crazy do-or-die hero. It’s always best to be prepared.
That said …
Anything Can Be a Weapon
Remotes, pillows, chewing gun wrappers, etc. The world is cluttered with potential weapons, and a skilled villain should know how to transform even the most seemingly innocuous items into a weapon if need should arrive.
While this is an invaluable skill to have, I do also recommend finding and settling upon a particular forceful weapon that fits your skills and needs as a villain.
Your Chosen Weapon of Force Should Be Distinctive
Your weapon is a part of your “brand” as a villain. Everyone remembers Captain Hook. And who could mistake the Grim Reaper for anything but? Or on the opposite side of the spectrum, where would Thor be without his hammer or Captain America without his shield? When you terrorize citizens, they should be able to recognize your handiwork by your weapon alone. This is yet another way you can stand out as a villain in a villain crowded world.
Bigger is Not Always Better
In pursuit of the distinctive, villains sometimes stumble into the absurd. Having the biggest weapon on the block does not make it the best weapon. If your weapon is bigger than you are, you will look absurd. If you cannot swing your weapon without stumbling, you will look absurd. And that, my dear little villains, is hardly the impression you want to leave.
It should go without saying that this is why a massive block of stone at the end of a long chain—memorable though it may be—is really a terrible weapon. Especially when fighting atop a frozen body of water. (Yes, Azog, I’m pointing at you.)
The only instance in which such a weapon could be employed would be if your opponent was chained the ground with no earthly chance of escaping your blow. If he is in any way mobile, for badness sake, ditch the boulder and choose a weapon that will allow you to move around too.
That concludes our lecture on weapons of force. We’ll move on to weapons of intelligence next class. For your assignment, study pages 7-83 in Weaponology for the Wicked. I expect all vocabulary memorized word for word and you’ll want to be prepared for a 70 question pop quiz (worth 10% of your grade) on weapon classifications next class. Have a very dismal day!
Do you have any tips for the aspiring villain on how to go about choosing or using a “weapon of force?” If so, share in the comments!
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Yes! The Spy and the Academy are back! :D
My villains are usually pretty practical in choosing their weapons- they don't care much if it's distinctive or not because they consider themselves distinctive enough.
That's a useful point there, Sarah! It can be handy to have a distinctive weapon, but not all villains need one. Some villains choose to use their appearance to make them distinctive … or the way they speak … or simply the way they act and the things they do.
Awesomeness is back!
Haha, maybe I'll make that the title the next time the Villainy 101 posts reappear after a long absence. "Awesomeness returns!"
Haha :) ohhh yes. Pointing at you, Azog! I found that part of the movie a little ridiculous. Thank you for starting this up again!
Yes, I'm all for crazy awesome action scenes … as long as they're mostly believable. But that one had me shaking my head. We're supposed to believe Azog is this crazy intense orc who's actually a pretty good strategist and has survived countless battles (impressive for an orc) … and he decides to fight with a boulder on a chain while standing on a frozen river?
It just didn't make sense.
I'm glad to see our spy is safe and well and back reporting from AUV! : )
Me too! I must confess I was getting a bit worried …
Ahaha, this was great. I have trouble with writing about weapons for my villain to use, but I'm about to write an epic fantasy novel, so I should probably get on with that. I love how you talk about using the weapon as a brand for the villain. That's a great idea, and it's so prevalent in many movies and stories.
Epic fantasy? My favorite! :)
Gad you found it helpful! As you said, villains possessing strange or highly distinctive weapons are fairly prevalent, so it could have the negative effect of seeming cliched or hackneyed if it's over-used, but I do think it's something that can still be useful in the up and coming generation of villains if it's done well. ;)
Good luck with beginning your new novel!
Good to hear from the spy again, brave soul.
I'm fond anything that can make a big explosion…I mean my antagonist is! I'm perfectly respectable.
Haha, your "antagonist" hmm? Am I sensing a possible secret identity here?
LOL! This is great. Will have to catch the other inside information which the spy is able to glean. Thank you.
I might be in the minority, but my villains use poison quite frequently. I think I prefer the quieter weapons. Loud booms or things of that sort don't necessarily scare me. They're more bluster than anything else to my mind. However, I liked your point that anything could be used as a weapon. Think the key is a villain's resourcefulness and capability to stratagize. So, really looking forward to hearing about the weapons of intelligence.
And, the name of that textbook? Fantastic! Wonder how many of those students will pass the "pop" quiz? LOL!
Ah, we have poisoners among us! Excellent. The Spy informs me that Professor Hornbuckle classified poison among the weapons of subterfuge, so don't worry, we shall all get an earful on how NOT to poison someone when we come to that class.
I'll look forward to hearing what your villains have to say about Professor Hornbuckle's conclusions.
"Think the key is a villain's resourcefulness and capability to strategize." Definitely agree with you there. These qualities are so often overlooked when it comes to villains, but I can guarantee they are one of the first classes at hero school. Heroes are notoriously resourceful. I think villains should be no less so. :)
I'm so glad these are back. My villains are awaiting their tips and treats. ;)
*devious chuckle* I'm so glad these are back too … I have way too much fun!
Okay GIllian! I finally have posted up the fanfiction for the Academy, "How to Conquer the World On A College Debt Budget. Hope you enjoy.
http://vhiveliving.blogspot.com/2015/01/the-academy-of-ultimate-villainy-how-to.html
Oh really? Heading over now to check it out …
Quick question! Is the spy a guy or girl? I've always imagined them as a guy myself…
I've never actually met the Spy in person. We manage everything through top secret communications and drops and what not. But I've always been under the impression that the Spy was a guy as well…
Weaponry: So long as it does not absurdly hinder you (per mace example) or can quickly be turned against you (a whip), use it.
And if you must choose a whip (or something like it), at least electrify it.
How many people (heroes and villains alike) have thought they have their antagonist controlled, only to be jerked into the waiting embrace of the antagonist's fist?
Keep in mind that a weapon of force can be anything that puts your antagonist seriously off balance. Physically…or mentally.
If you're going for mental breakage, a signature weapon would be your best choice. People are much more willing to talk if they know that you use, say, poison or bamboo slivers to gain your information.
That is all I have to say on the subject of weapons at present.
Miss Adams. *bow*
I thank you for allowing these transcripts to come to light. The shameful truth is that, due to unforeseen distractions, I missed a few classes. So this opportunity to "catch up" is greatly appreciated. (Of course, wanting to skip the homework assignment had nothing to do with my unexplained absence. :P)
A quick note of my own: the Spy is definitely male. The disguise he wore would have been impossible for a female to pull off.
***
This was found inside a little black notebook with a *gulp* very convincing reason to post it. Boy, is my hero going to be sorry…
Thanks for the posts! My villains are musing and loving every minute of this. ;)
-Merenwen
Agh, I can't believe I put reading this post off for so long! I love the ideas, absolutely, and it's super useful, and it makes a good point about the flourish our villains have to use. My own thought to add is that sometimes villains can use their words as weapons just as well. The lies they tell, the information they leak, even what they say to convince someone of their evilness, or love, or character. And they can just as easily turn them to beat down the brash underlings that challenge them. Which, I must say, is just as awesome.
I love this post!
I often forget to think outside of the box when it comes to weapons. And I often go big, when something small might be wiser.