After reading this soul-crushing eye-opening post from Katie Grace that dashed all my heroic delusions and left me in a self-pitying puddle on the floor, I have decided that it is time to take action.
Although I have not received my Hogwarts letter, been whisked away to Camp Half Blood by a flying horse, heard my name called in the Reaping (although, honestly, I’m a bit relieved about that one), stumbled into a magical wood by walking through a wardrobe (though not from lack of trying!), or had a party of thirteen dwarves show up unexpectedly at my door …
I have not given up hope.
The Road goes ever on and on, ‘tis said, and who knows what rare fantasy adventure might await around the next corner?
So … no better time than the present to start training! #WeWillRiseUp That’s right. So, after minutes months of research, I have pooled all the collective wisdom I could gather and am now pleased to offer you this ultimate training guide to prepare you to enter your favorite fantasy storyworld.
Let’s start with the basics, shall we?
Transportation
I don’t know about you, but most of my favorite storyworlds lack one key element: modern transportation. Looks like you and I are going to have to rely on our own two feet to carry us places, which means, now is the time to invest in some good footwear.
(On a side note, portal fantasy is just too fun because it allows fantasy characters to interact with gear from our world. I feel like the introduction of tennis shoes into a fantasy world would be earth-shattering. Can’t you just picture a medieval knight—in full plate armor—inspecting a pair of tennis shoes?
“What are these things that thou wearest upon thy feet? They are so light and durable. Methinks thou couldst outrun a horse!” … Hmm, maybe I should take up writing commercials for Addias. What do you think?)
Walking
This is the bread and meat of travel in most fantasy worlds. As I started to write up a plan of action for mastering this skill set—
Start now with a hike or two a week. Before you know it, you’ll be a walking machine! Move on to longer hikes. Practice carrying your gear on your back
—I realized that the perfect training ground already exists! College campuses. Think about it! Long distances. Little time. Every textbook ever written stuffed into your backpack. Kudos to those of you already in college because you are well on your way to honing your heroic walking skills.
Running
In case you haven’t noticed, heroes do a LOT of running. More than they’d like us to think, because running isn’t always very heroic, especially if you’re running away instead of toward something. (As a side note, did anyone count the number of times Gandalf shouted “run” in the Hobbit movies? Pretty sure it ranked in the dozens.)
Mastering this skill is a little trickier for those who prefer running only when running from the Uruk-hai. Unfortunately, it’s a sad—but little acknowledged fact—that if one wants to be able to outrun the Uruk-hai, one has to be able to run. There are always ways to trick yourself into running. My favorite: try sprinting past a handful of preschoolers with cookies. I guarantee they’ll chase you, and I guarantee that you’ll want to run!
Eagle-riding
Honestly … I’m not sure how to help with this one. It is one of those truly essential skills, if you wind up in a place like Middle Earth. But I am afraid it is generally frowned upon in modern circles. And by frowned upon, I do mean highly illegal and certain to get you incarcerated.
Whatever the mode of transportation, always remember, “Shortcuts make long delays!”
Victuals
It’s always best to make a clean break, so let’s go ahead and say farewell to the ease of fast food restaurants, insta-meals, and grocery shopping. Food is often a scarcity in our favorite spec fic novels. Particularly if you’re questing. Dried meat, hard bread, and oddly enough stew seem to be favorites. I’d suggest changing your diet now so you can adjust, and get used to cooking stew while on the march. (It takes major skills, people. Major skills.)
You also probably want to perfect your hunting abilities. It’s considered normal for characters to make camp in the evening, go hunting, kill a rabbit or three, skin, gut, and dice the creatures, and have time to whip up an excellent stew before hitting the sack. Bit of a tall order for anyone, let alone those of us who generally rely on the grocery shelves rather than the woods to supply our meat.
But let’s face it, folks, the worst hardship of all … is the lack of coffee.
How does anyone survive?
Seriously.
As much as I like the idea of diving into my favorite spec fic storyworld, the lack of coffee is almost enough to convince me to stay put. We writer-types do love our coffee!
Lodging
Say goodbye to your comfy bed and feather pillow. In fact, if you hope to get any sleep while in-world, it’s best to prepare yourself now for sleeping on the cold, hard ground beneath the stars. If you’re lucky. If not, then beneath the rain. (Don’t worry. I’m sure your neighbors won’t think twice about you sprawling out on the lawn to sleep.) When you do have the chance to get out of the elements, chances are you will have to resort to cramped inn quarters or piles of straw in the stable. (Hope you’re not allergic.)
But that’s okay, because chances are you’re not going to have much opportunity to sleep in any case. Apparently characters in novels never need to sleep … or don’t need to sleep nearly as much as we enjoy sleeping. Maybe that’s why they so often make rash decisions, or why those dramatic romantic subplots that could be solved by a simple conversation often take a whole book to resolve—the main characters are simply exhausted and grumpy.
(See why “no coffee” is such a big thing! For REAL, people, for REAL!)
Wrap-Up
There are about a million other things we could cover, but I think that’s a decent start for now. What say you? Will you join me in training to enter our favorite spec fic novels? What are some other things that you think we should add to our lists so we’ll be ready? Share your legendary wisdom in the comments!
Giveaway, anyone?
In other news, I’m currently running a giveaway for Songkeeper over on Goodreads! You should go enter and tell your friends about it too! (Because who doesn’t want a chance to win a free book.) Also, if we’re not friends yet on Goodreads, we should be. And thirdly – because the OCD grammatical warrior inside of me apparently has no issue with starting the final point of a non-numerical list with “thirdly” – why not add Orphan’s Song and Songkeeper to your bookshelves on Goodreads?
I’m told they look rather nice on bookshelves, virtual or otherwise …
Goodreads Book Giveaway
Songkeeper
by Gillian Bronte Adams
Giveaway ends September 26, 2017.
See the giveaway details
at Goodreads.
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Your theory about lack of sleep causing all the drama in romantic subplots is absolutely perfect. New headcanon officially created.
Anyway. I’m good at the walking bit. Not so good at the running bit, but I’m slowly working on it. (I feel like that’s probably an oxymoron or something . . . oh well.) But as for the food and the lodging- I think I’ll deal with that when I get there!
As for other things to add to the list- you left off another of the most basic things: weaponry! I should think it would be useful to pick up some basic skills in your weapon of choice before you get swept off into an adventure and have to learn on the fly or in nightly practice sessions by the campfire. Barring that, learn to shoot a pistol better than a Western gunslinger and get a concealed carry license so you can make sure you have your (Earth) weapon of choice and a fair bit of ammunition with you when you get to the other world! Some kind of martial arts might also be handy, though you might not have much chance to use it. Always good to know the proper way to punch or kick someone in order to actually damage them.
Fabulous post!
YES! Weapons! Always a must! … And I’m sorely lacking in ninja-skills. :P I did take a self-defense class a few years ago… but I don’t know how much I remember. XD
I know right? Just imagine if all those poor characters just got enough sleep? (Or coffee!) Half of their problems would be solved.
Yes! Weapons training! Absolutely SO important. In fact, I think it may deserve it’s own post. ;) I originally had it in this one but the post was getting yards too long, so I had to pull it off. So I’m super glad you mentioned it! I love the points you made – particularly the one about the Western gunslinger.
Honestly thinking through all of this just makes me appreciate even more A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur’s Court! It’s just so witty and brilliant.
Ah, but they have coffee in Araluen! John Flanagan is a wise author to pave the way for interworld travellers.
Really? Whew! Then there’s hope for some of us yet! I will say that in all my early fantasy novels, the drink of choice was always coffee. Because it is the best.
I love this! It’s so true, especially the sleep part! I don’t get enough as it is, and I’m sleeping in a bed.
I think what Sarah said about weapons training is right – and you have to know how to punch correctly!
I’d add knowledge of forgotten, ancient languages to aid in deciphering prophecy scrolls (or at least, knowing the only person who has this knowledge).
Also, money. Seems like characters just pick up a bunch of weapons, horses, and other goods for next to nothing. If you know how to get the hero discount on horses and weaponry, please let me know!!! I need some.
I also think that characters in general are very, very good at riding, even galloping, horses all day and night and not being sore and bruised. I’ve always appreciated that C.S. Lewis mentions that in The Horse and His Boy.
Yes! I like the mention of ancient languages! Good thinking. Also, I find it ironic that language itself is rarely a problem. Although if a character can magically be transported into a fantasy adventure, I suppose they could magically come out speaking the same language as everyone else …
Yes, horseback riding definitely takes lots of training and practice! And like C.S. Lewis, I don’t recommend trying to gallop your horse all day long, especially if you’re hoping to travel long distance. With lots of training and hours spent on horseback, your muscles do build up to it and you’ll spend less time being sore and bruised. Unless you’re riding into battle, in which case, I’m sure you will be sore and bruised (at least) afterwards! So yes, characters (or people) who aren’t accustomed to horseback riding as their main mode of transportation, will definitely experience that painful muscle-training period, like in The Horse and His Boy. I do love that book!
I totally agree with the money bit – it’s rarely mentioned how much these things actually cost in-world. It’s like us buying a vehicle, full wardrobe, food, and cooking tools before heading out – not many have the funds for such a venture so readily!
I’d like to add knowledge and supplies for medical treatment. High adventures usually involve injuries, from scratches from running through the woods (nasty thistles . . .) to battle wounds. Knowing how to take care of these can determine the outcome of your venture as a whole, whether you get infected or worse. Pain is more crippling than our fantasy heroes tend to admit. Now, I’m no medical expert (far, far from), but I’m pretty sure that your broken limb or bleeding wound isn’t going to let you function on any decent level just because you ‘have to’. Adrenaline does play a part, yes, but it’s not a miracle umbrella that excuses running with a fractured leg and the like.
This is one (of the many) reasons why I’ve enjoyed The Thief books by Megan Whalen Turner so much, because when the characters are injured they don’t shrug it off and save the day before tending to the fact that they have a stab wound.
Yes – money was a big deal, even back in olden times. Lol. It’s staggering to see how much medieval warhorses and armor actually cost! I’m know we’re mixing history and fantasy, but either way, you definitely wouldn’t be able to finance a massive expedition out of mere pocket change.
Medical treatment is another big one. Such a good point. We all love to see our heroes fight on longer, harder, and tougher than anything else – or at least, I do, because it gives me something to aspire to – but for real, wounds needs to be treated, broken limbs cannot magically heal in a day (unless they are literally magically/supernaturally healed!), and you’ve got to watch out for infection!
I keep meaning to read The Thief books. They’ve been on my list for WAY too long!
Ahh this post made me laugh so much, honestly. XD No coffee and sleeping in the rain? Haaha. Nope. I don’t think I could manage it. :P