For Writers – Page 2

Questology 101: Packing (Don’t Take the Kitchen Sink!)

February 27, 2014 by Gillian Bronte Adams 12 Comments

Another post from the Headmaster of the Warrior-in-Hero-Training School of the Round Table arrived on my desk this morning. True to his word, Sir Galgadin is supplying us with lectures and class notes that he believes will help both authors and heroes in combating the villainous alumni of the Academy of Ultimate Villainy.

Between rogue dragon attacks, exploding portals, and misplaced giants bumbling around, this week might be considered somewhat hectic out at the Warrior-in-Hero-Training School of the Round Table. Unfortunately, of late hectic has become more the norm than otherwise.

As I mentioned last time, one of our entry level classes is Questology 101, and one of the first things we cover is packing.

Now I can hear all you brave, young heroes groaning. You think there’s nothing more adventurous than simply strapping a knife to your belt and dashing into the wild to survive on your own. And you might be right. It is adventurous. You might survive for a day … or two … possibly three if you’re lucky. But we’ll get to the survival portion later.

I blame modern entertainment for the myriad misconceptions in regards to heroes and quests. Fantasy movies and novels love portraying heroes who dash off at a moment’s notice without a scrap of anything in their pockets and a suspiciously-empty-looking satchel on their backs.

But a good hero is always prepared.

The right supplies could just save your life. So today, we will focus on what to pack for your quest … and what to leave behind. (Namely, the kitchen sink. Trust me, you won’t need it.)

A reliable map

We don’t all of us have the internal directional system of a ranger. Some of us are forced to rely on other, more mundane means of navigation. (Yes, occasionally, we even need to ask for directions. Shocking, I know.) A good map is priceless. Especially when quests so often take us into that vast trackless land known as the wild, where maps are few and far between and rarely show what you need.

In such instances, a reliable guide is a suitable substitute. Emphasis on reliable. If he’s looks or smells like he’s just downed a bottle, best to move on.

Eatables – Non-Perishable

I can’t tell you how many novels I’ve read in which the heroes snare/trap/shoot their dinner and cook it over the campfire while singing heroic ballads beneath the stars. Fantasy. Pure fantasy. Hunting or trapping requires both time and patience – priceless commodities on a quest.

I don’t say you won’t have the chance to get off a shot or two at potential supper while questing, but you should consider this your backup plan … not your main food supply.

Pack plenty of non-perishable eatables, foods that will last and can withstand all manner of rough treatment in your knapsack. Hard bread. Dried meat. Sausage. That sort of thing. Expect to tighten your belt a notch or two as you go along. Never fear, a hero’s welcome awaits you when you return home.

Drinkables

Water is a must. Always carry a spare canteen. You never know when you’ll hit a patch of wilderness where all the water is brackish or poisoned for miles around, or when you’ll be stuck wandering in a desert for days on end. Water, my friends, will save your life.

Again, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read a novel or watched a movie in which the hero never carries a canteen. It’s as if there are magic springs that simply gush forth from the ground whenever he or she become thirsty. Wouldn’t that be handy?

Language Guide

I don’t know about you, but I know few heroes who are fluent in more than half a dozen languages. Most know only one. And yet somehow, in all those novels and movies we’ve already discussed, heroes rarely seem to have any trouble communicating with foreigners, both enemies and allies.

Until you pass your fantasy-linguistics class – much later on in our training – I suggest locating a helpful language guide and carrying it with you on quests. And by helpful, I mean one that does more than just tell you how to say words like “dog” and “cat” and “red ball.” In some fantasy realms, such phrases could get you killed.

On that note, it is best to know a little bit about the culture in which you must journey before embarking on your quest. Among scholars, this is generally considered the best way to avoid the armored cantaloupe headed monkey fiasco of 1349. (Ask your instructors about that one.)

Tinder Box

Quests tend to be cold, wet, nasty affairs. If you wish to avoid developing pneumonia, or dying of some strange parasite or bacteria from raw meat, or freezing to death, fire is an absolute necessity.

Tinder boxes are quite useful creations. (For the uninformed: a tinder box consists of tinder – loose dry particles of charcloth or straw or lint – a flint, and steel. The fire-wielder strikes the flint and steel until sparks fly into the tinder. From there it’s a matter of blowing and feeding until the fire is large enough to catch twigs.) Handy, isn’t it?

Not the sort of thing you’d want to leave home without.

Warm clothes

I am aware that this one seems fairly obvious. But it’s best to pack at least one extra set of clothes beside the pair on your back. One never knows when one might be dunked into freezing cold water, or half buried alive by a vengeful snow-clad mountain.

This however, is not the time to color coordinate your outfits. Warm, functional clothing is best. (Though who’s to say functional can’t be fashionable too? As long as you don’t pack the kitchen sink.)

Weapons

I nearly didn’t put this one down, because hopefully by the time you are going on a quest, carrying weapons should be second nature to you. You should no more accidentally leave the house without your weapons than you should without your shoes.

Of course the type of weapons you carry will depend on your personal abilities and likes and dislikes. And occasionally, they may differ from quest to quest as you feel the need to go undercover now and again.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I fear that’s all for today. I hear another dragon scratching at the gate -pesky nuisance dragons – so I must hasten to the rescue. Duty calls!

Oh, and by the way, do come back next time for my lecture on Stocking a Quester’s First Aid Kit.

(Thought I’d forgotten about first aid, did you? Marvelous stuff! It can save your life! Speaking of which, excuse me while I grab some burn lotion to carry into battle with me. Can’t be too careful when fighting a dragon, especially not one who carries a bottle of barbecue sauce around with him.)

~ Sir Galgadin
Headmaster of the WIHT School of the Round Table

What are some things you might include in your satchel if you were planning on going on a quest?

Questology 101: A Quester’s Call to Adventure

February 17, 2014 by Gillian Bronte Adams 9 Comments

I found this missive sitting on my porch when I returned home last night. It’s the first in a series of lectures from the Headmaster of the Warrior-In-Hero-Training School of the Round Table, promised to “grace” this blog with wisdom.

I’m not sure about the “gracing” part, but Sir Galgadin does have a few useful things to say. What do you think?

At the Warrior-In-Hero-Training School of the Round Table, one of our entry level classes is Questology 101. Before a student can graduate as a full fledged hero, he must successfully complete a quest. (Success being determined by several factors including but not limited to time of completion, number of fatalities, civilian casualties, etc.)

Questing is an ancient and noble art. Yet you cannot imagine how many trainees enter this school hopelessly ignorant of the most basic principles of Questology. Thus I find it best to begin a quester’s training at the very beginning.

Questing is not for everyone, nor can every quest be fulfilled by just anyone. Quests tend to be picky critters. It takes the correct combination of a quester’s unique skills in addition to general heroic abilities (plus a dash of plain luck) to solve them. And stumbling into the wrong quest generally ends in disaster for all concerned.

So how does one know if one was called to a specific quest or not? And if one enters into a quest, how can one avoid being waylaid by the perils of the road?

Here are a few guiding principles to bear in mind that will (hopefully) keep you out of the ogre’s den:

Quests are always inconvenient.

Quests always come when you least expect them, at the most inopportune time, and with the greatest level of difficulty possible. It’s their nature. So if a quest appears easy or simple, chances are it’s not the right quest for you.

Should you choose to ignore such wisdom and embark on said quest, I guarantee you’ll wind up walking straight into a trap … or falling off a cliff … or boiling in some giant’s cook pot.

The unlikely hero always succeeds

Questologers all agree that the unlikely hero is most likely to succeed when questing. Numerous examples come to mind: farm boys, servant girls, orphaned children, outcasts, halflings, etc. So if you should feel adequate for the task when considering embarking on a quest, chances are it’s bound to end in disaster.

If you had felt yourself sufficient, it would have been proof that you were not.
– Aslan, Prince Caspian

Politely decline and head on your merry way. It’s not the right quest for you.

However, you can take comfort in the fact that the same skills and abilities that resulted in your classification as over-qualified for one specific quest, may be completely unnecessary for another, enabling you to fill the position of unlikely hero there.

Never pass by anyone in need of help

Here’s a “no-brainer,” as my trainees put it. If you stumble across someone in need, chances are that you have just been given the call to a quest. Such a call should not ignored … unless you think being shadowed by disaster for the rest of your days sounds fun.

This rule applies to anyone requesting a drink of water, or wandering lost in the wilderness, or begging a night’s lodging or a crust of bread. Such people tend to be either faeries or princes in disguise or true unfortunates in need of aid.

However, it may come as no surprise to you that villains oft employ a plea for aid as a trap to waylay heroes performing their duty to those in need. I will cover the primary means of distinguishing between a villainous trap and a true need in a later lecture.

Regardless, if it is in your power to give aid, you are duty bound as a hero and a quester and a knight errant, to do so.

Shortcuts are a bad idea

Shortcuts make long delays.
– Renowned traveler Peregrine Took, The Fellowship of the Ring

As a common rule of thumb, questers should never choose the path of least resistance. Trust me, it may start out looking all right, but it inevitably leads into a pathless forest, a bottomless swamp, or a troll’s cave. None of which make for pleasant traveling.

Choose the narrow, steep path over the broad, winding way if you value your life. And don’t stray from the path. Shortcuts are bad, detours are even worse, and the scenic route? Gracious me. You might as well carry your life in your hands.

Be wary of the kindly stranger

Only tell them, that She of the Green Kirtle salutes them by you, and has sent them two fair Southern children for the Autumn Feast.
-Lady of the Green Kirtle, The Silver Chair

A quester can never be too cautious. The road is perilous nowadays and one is as like to meet a ruffian as a ranger. Be extremely careful when asked to stop and dine with strangers. Never turn aside from the path to follow a rumor of good lodging. And if someone invites you into their cottage and begs you tarry awhile, express your gratitude and your regret, then ride away with what speed you may.

Kindly strangers rarely have kindly intents.

Come back next time for another lecture from the Headmaster of the Warrior-In-Hero-Training School of the Round Table.

Villainy 101: Villains Are People Too

November 5, 2013 by Gillian Bronte Adams 17 Comments

How To Avoid a Protagonist-Centric Villain

Hello again. This is your friendly neighborhood Spy speaking.

In my extended stint as an unwelcome guest at the Academy of Ultimate Villainy, I met quite a few villains. Minor villains. Minions. Evil Henchmen. Super Villains. Criminal Masterminds. The works.

And if there’s one thing I learned, it’s that villains are not the mindless embodiment of evil that we think they are. At least not the good—bad?—ones. Villains are people too. Ever held a conversation with one? It’s not easy, I’ll admit. But once you can get past the typical shallow conversations about how magnificent they are, and who they’ve killed today, and their evil plans or hatred of the heroes, you’ll discover that villains are not so very different from you … though with different life plans and certain moral ambiguities.

Villains possess goals, motives, dreams, beliefs … just like anyone else. And their personal goals drive all of their actions.

A handbill printed by the Society for Villain’s Rights.

One common mistake among fledgling novelists is the tendency to make their villains protagonist-centric.What does that mean?

A protagonist-centric villain exists for no other purpose than to make life difficult for the hero/heroine. Their one aim in life is to stop/kill/humiliate/embarrass/torture the hero/heroine.

What is their motivation? Oh, just because they enjoy seeing the hero/heroine stopped/killed/humiliated/embarrassed/tortured/etc.

Can you see the problem here?

The villain is no longer acting for himself to get what he (or she) desires. The villain acts solely to provide opposition for the hero. He is not a person. He is a puppet dancing at the tip of the author’s pen.

The author who writes such a villain strips him of any life he might have possessed in and of himself, making him little more than a robot programmed to oppose the hero.

But, you ask, how does one avoid this?

So glad you asked.

In order to avoid a protagonist-centric villain, you must look at things from the villain’s point of view.

Tip 1: Answer the question why from the villain’s perspective.

Every writer’s favorite question is why. You must know why your protagonist makes the choice that allows them to embark on their heroic journey. You must know why they fail halfway through. You must know why they are able to succeed in the end.

But you almost must know why your villain does what he or she does. And when you ask yourself why, write your answer from the villain’s perspective.

For example, instead of replying: Villain wants to destroy the protagonist because the protagonist is trying to stop the villain from dominating the world in a reign of terror.

(Can you see how this is focused on the protagonist, instead of the villain?) Try writing: All Villain wants is power. A chance to unleash the evil genius that has always been neglected, ignored, looked down upon. The world will recognize his greatness … even if he has to force it on one person at a time at the tip of his sword. And no one is going to stand in his way.

Tip 2: Instead of looking at how the villain is getting in the protagonist’s way, try seeing how the protagonist is getting in the villain’s way.

Ever read a novel where the villain just seems to handily pop up from time to time, at just the right moment to foil the protagonist’s plan or issue some rarely-fulfilled threat? But you have no clue what the villain does the rest of the story? He just disappears whenever he’s not needed on stage. A puppet.

Don’t do that. When you outline, outline the story from the villain’s perspective. Know what the villain is trying to accomplish, and use his goals to thwart the protagonist. Know what the villain’s journey looks like. Know what the villain does when the protagonist is not around.

Which brings us to my final admonishment:

Tip 3: Get to know your villain.

Admittedly, it can be dangerous. Casual conversation with a villain usually is. But how else are you going to discover that your Dark Lord has an unnatural fear of spiders, likes cuddly kittens, and is allergic to blue cheese?

Quite a few of them are, actually.

Get to know your villain, know his deepest desires and his darkest fears, and your villain will no longer be protagonist-centric. He will possess a life of his own. Your very own Frankenstein.

I rest my case.

Tune in next time, for another lesson from the Spy and the Academy of Ultimate Villainy.

Villainy 101: Jail Breaks – What NOT to Do

October 29, 2013 by Gillian Bronte Adams 10 Comments

Well … I’m back.

And I’m still alive too.

Oh, you don’t know who I am?

That’s just the way I like it. I’m the Spy. I’ve spent the past several weeks … months … years—I don’t know really—locked up in a dungeon in the Academy of Ultimate Villainy. At last—long last—I’ve managed to escape and return to you.

As you might have expected, the Villains stole all my recent notes and recordings, but there’s one thing they couldn’t take.

The knowledge locked up inside my noggin.

After spending so much time in the company of so many Villains, I’ve got enough to write a bestseller … or at least help you write yours.

Today, I figured I’d talk about jail breaks and what not to do. And yes, I learned most of this through experience. Painful experience.

4 Things You Shouldn’t Do When Trying to Escape the Dungeons

1. Antagonize your guards

I’m sure you’ve all seen the movies. The hero gets captured and thrown into prison, but there’s just no getting this guy down! All the way, he’s throwing out those cutting quips and brilliant one liners that reveal the guards for the incompetent nincompoops that they are—and the guards just grunt and growl and slam the door in his face, maybe punch him in the stomach, but that’s about as far as they take it.

Yeah. Not true.

The guards may be incompetent nincompoops—we’ve already heard a lecture from Dr. Sinestra on the Proper Procedure for Hiring Evil Henchmen due to the fact that most villains do hire incompetent nincompoops—but they usually have a temper. A very bad temper.

It’s best not to get them angry.

2. Make a wild run for it

It pretty much always ends in failure. Before you can successfully break out of the dungeons, you need to have some idea of the lay of the land, which passages lead where, what time the guards come around, how many guards there are. The usual stuff.

Remember, there’s always a pattern. Depending on the security level, that pattern may take you an extremely long time to discover. But there’s always a pattern hidden somewhere. And if you find the openings in the pattern, you’ve taken a huge step toward breaking out.

If you ever get thrown into the dungeons at the Academy of Ultimate Villainy, know that you’re going to be stuck there for a long time before you find any sort of a pattern. They change their guards constantly, vary the routes, change the times that they bring you food—if they bring you food, that is—and do everything in their power to leave you confused, disoriented, and unaware of what is happening elsewhere.

It’s almost impossible without outside help.

Patience is the key to success.

3. Betray your fellow prisoners

Occasionally, the opportunity arises to communicate with your fellow prisoners and try to enlist their help in your escape. You’ll want to be very careful when you do this. A casual word to the wrong person … they rat you out to the guards … and presto … your escape plans are foiled for at least the next year.

And maximum security dungeons, like the AUV, tend to have at least one or two moles among the prisoners …

Yeah, I learned that the hard way.

Anyway, if you do manage to enlist the help of fellow prisoners, make sure you actually give them what you promised. And don’t promise anything you can’t or won’t give them. The last thing you want to do is betray the folks who help you.

Because if your escape goes wrong … and you wind up locked in the dungeon again … you’ll want some folks on your side.

Not angry prisoners you betrayed.

4. Leave the door open.

I know. It seems like a no-brainer. But you won’t believe how many jail breaks are foiled simply because the escapee couldn’t wait to taste the fresh air of freedom and forgot to close the door to his prison cell.

If you’re a guard, and you’re walking down a corridor, bored at the end of a long day of walking down corridors, and you see a cell door closed … chances are, you won’t take a second look.

But if you see a cell door open … well, that’s just the jolt of adrenaline you need to wake you up and send you running to sound the alarm and find the escapee.

Like I said, bad idea.

I don’t care how pressed you are for time … you always have time to close the cell door.

Hope that was helpful, folks! Be watching for more posts from the Academy of Ultimate Villainy.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to buy a hamburger … sweet juicy goodness with all the fixings … and fries. Lots of fries. My mouth’s watering just thinking about it.

Dungeon food leaves a lot to be desired.

The Spy, signing off

Villainy 101: How to Trap a Hero

April 15, 2013 by Gillian Bronte Adams 8 Comments

Editor’s Note: At long last, we have received word from our spy at the Academy of Ultimate Villainy! This recording showed up in my mailbox this morning. Unfortunately, I’m afraid it’s not exactly the good news we’ve all been waiting to hear…

TRANSCRIPT:

DR. SYLVIA SINESTRA: Today, we are discussing the most important thing you will learn while attending this Academy: How to Trap a Hero. There are many differing schools of thought upon this subject, but there is one rule upon which all the experts agree: The number one rule of hero trapping is to offer the hero something he cannot resist.

Villainy 101 - Hero Trapping

Every hero has a weak spot. Once you find out what that weak spot is, you can prey upon it, offer him the thing he most desires, and then snatch it from his grasp at the last moment and leave him in utter despair.

Obviously, depending upon the hero, this may take different forms. But there are three main types of heroes, and three tried and true methods of luring each sort of hero into a trap.

The Romantic Hero

This hero is dashing, passionate about whatever he has set his mind upon. To trap this hero, a Super-Villain cannot do better than to kidnap the hero’s girlfriend. Admittedly, this method has been employed so often as to become somewhat of a cliché, but if it works (and it assuredly does!) then why not use it?

The Idealistic Hero

This hero is the worst sort of hero there is. The hero who simply won’t give up, but will fight until the death, driven by belief in his/her mission. There are ways to exploit this hero’s weakness, however. Such a hero is inherently principled and self-sacrificial, and the capture of a score of hostages often proves sufficient to ensure this hero’s downfall. Grab copious amounts of innocent bystanders and force the hero into an exchange. Without fail, this sort of hero will offer his/her life for the release of the hostages.

The Clever Hero

And at last, we come to the intellectual, so-called brilliant hero driven by a need to display his or her cleverness to the world. With this hero, bait your trap with the promise of information. The number one rule when trapping the clever hero, is to make the hero believe they are trapping you or tricking you into giving something away. Make them comfortable, lull them into complacency, into thinking they control the situation. Then . . . you pounce …

Editor’s Note: I find this whole affair disturbing. How our spy could have been so careless as to have fallen into such an obvious trap escapes my comprehension! Given the recent lapse in communication, there is no way to know when this recording took place, how long the spy has been trapped in the dungeons, or even if the spy is still alive. I shall continue to work with my contacts in the hopes of discovering further information.

Villainy 101 – 3 Steps to Launching Yourself as a Super-Villain

January 28, 2013 by Gillian Bronte Adams 4 Comments

Editor’s Note: The following audio recording arrived on my desk this week. It has been so long since we’ve received anything from our “friend” at the Academy of Ultimate Villainy, that I begun to fear the worst. From the sound of it, however, our “friend” is still alive and well and hard at work.

TRANSCRIPT:

SPY: Hello? Is this thing on? Ok, good. I don’t have much time. Now, I’m going to talk quietly and hope that none of these villains surrounding me notice me talking into my collar. This is your spy at the Academy of Ultimate Villainy and today you’re in for a treat because I managed to smuggle this microphone into the auditorium with me for History 101 – How to Write It. We’re in the middle of a series on how to launch yourself as a Super-Villain.

So, take out your pens and papers, get ready to takes notes, because we’re going to school.

The evil Instructor, Dr. Sylvia Sinestra, is approaching the podium …

DR. SYLVIA SINESTRA: Hello class. I trust you’ve had a terrible day. Today, we are discussing three key steps to launching yourself as a Super-Villain.

Now there are villains—those that ordinary humans consider villains, second rate criminals, and petty thieves, peasants who don’t deserve the title. And then there are Villains—Super-Villains. The sorts of Villains who not only become a part of history once they are gone, the sort who write it. Who define terror, and brilliance, and cunning for generations to come.

This academy provides you with the tools to become a Super-Villain. And yet, every year, there are those who graduate with all sorts of fancy degrees from this academy and step out into the world ready to take it by storm, only to be lost in the seas of anonymity. Forgotten by history, ignored by the world.

What happened, you ask?

Platform happened.

Marketing. Press. The key to becoming a successful Super-Villain no longer resides in committing heinous crimes alone, although the crime is important. But a true Super-Villain knows that marketing and publicity are no less important to a Villain’s reputation than the crime itself.

So, here are Three Steps to launching yourself as a Super-Villain and being remembered in an increasingly distracted world.

Three Steps to Launching Yourself as a Super-Villain

1) Create a platform.

A fanbase. What, you ask? A fanbase for Villains? Indeed. Surround yourself with those lowlife criminals who will idolize you for your brilliance, those bored young people who want a taste of adventure, those sensationalist reporters who will track your genius. They are your means to making your name known to the world.

2) Social Media

The importance of social media in our world can no longer be ignored. As a Villain, you must take advantage of this. Create a Villain fanpage. Set up false accounts to spread rumors of your activities. Once you begin it, they, those gullible ordinary people, will continue you. And you will become a part of history.

3) Establish your “Personal Brand” as a Villain

In order to stand out amidst all the other Villains in the world, you need something to set you apart. This is your brand, your mark, something that you use to claim a crime as your own. It can be anything from a calling card left at the scene, to a particular type of crime and a particular manner of carrying it out. Whatever it is, you want to give your fans and your enemies something definite to point to, so when they hear of a crime committed by The Gravedigger, they’ll know exactly what to expect.

And along with that, this final admonition: Be original—copycatting may be the sincerest form of flattery, but you are not here to flatter the Villains who have gone before, you are here to establish your name as a Super-Villain in your own right!

Follow these three steps, and you will become Super-Villains capable of writing your own history!

Tomorrow, we will look at the proper procedure for hiring evil henchmen. And there will be a 50 question quiz over the material we have just discussed. Class dismissed.

SPY: Well folks, looks like that’s all for today. Hopefully I’ll be able to sneak this microphone into class with me again tomorrow. Providing of course, I’m not caught and thrown to the dragon before then.

This is your spy at the Academy of Ultimate Villainy, signing off.

Note: Sound effects found through Freesound.org. Many thanks to redjim, cmusounddesign, dobroide, J. Zazvurek, and RHumphries for the use of their sound effects.