It has been some time, dear readers, since I have received missives of any sort from the Spy with his villainous findings or from Sir Galgadin at the Warrior-in-Hero-Training School of the Round Table. You can imagine my surprise when I discovered the following message fastened by an arrow to a tree beside my house.

I share it here for your reading pleasure. 

When venturing forth on quests of derring-do, one will inevitably cross paths with a number of strangers. Some will doubtless be dangerous. Some will be innocent victims in need of protection. And still others will seek to turn you from your quest by any deceitful means possible.

Or perhaps even draw you into a trap under pretense of requiring aid.

The villains are uncannily clever. Knowing our heroic propensity to leap to the aid of damsels in distress, the masters of villainy lately began disguising evil enchantresses by the wayside to lure unsuspecting knight errants from their noble purpose. Many a quester has gone missing, never to be seen again.

So what can one do? A good hero cannot simply deny aid to a damsel in distress. But how can one tell a true damsel in distress from an evil enchantress in disguise?

Consider the following tips before venturing forth on a quest, and you might just make it back alive.

Beware chance meetings

This is generally a good rule of thumb, regardless of the circumstances. In my vast experience, chance meetings are rarely that, and coincidence on a quest is nigh nonexistent. If a beautiful maiden should happen to show up at the crossroads at the precisely right moment in order to petition your aid, proceed with caution.

You must proceed, for a true knight is bound by the quester’s code to investigate. But stay wary and keep a weather eye out for a trap.

Beware the immortal beauties

If she appears beautiful beyond the lot of mortals, chances are, she isn’t. Mortal, that is. Many evil enchantresses possess fey blood or are at least capable of casting a glamor over their features. Don’t be taken in by this simple trick.

Perform the mirror test. Attempt to catch a glimpse of her reflection in a pool, your sword pommel, or on a burnished piece of armor. (This is why questers must always pay attention to the state of their armor and weapons. Shining armor has many and various uses.) If her reflection remains unchanged, you can then test fey blood by casually asking her to hold something made of iron. If she is fey, she will be unable to bear the contact of iron upon her skin.

If either test proves fruitful, beat a hasty (though courageous) retreat.

Beware the tearfully vague story

Ask for details. Demand the who, what, why, where, and how. Don’t simply gallop off into danger to avenge her slain family. Test her story. If she claims to have escaped her family castle which was just overrun by dragons, she had better smell of dragon smoke. If she claims to have wandered in the wilderness for days searching for aid, you should expect her clothes to be mud-stained, her shoes to be tattered, and her hair to be matted.

However, if she looks as though she has just stepped out onto the dance floor of the Great Hall, you will know her for a liar.

If she is telling the truth, your search will reveal it, and if not, you won’t wind up dangling over an ogre cooking pot.

Beware the proud

By their very nature, evil enchantresses are evil, proud, and conceited. As such, they cannot keep up a pretense of kindness for long. Damsels in distress, however, are by their very nature sweet, kind, and gracious. So test her kindness. Ask her for a dipper of water, or to rub down your noble steed, or to perform some other sort of simple task. Should she willingly comply without a haughty glance or a turned up nose or a muttered complaint, chances are she is a true damsel in distress and is honestly grateful for your aid.

Proceed on your quest with a light heart.

Beware shortcuts

Once again, this is a general rule of questing, but it is especially true when dealing with damsels in distress/potential evil enchantresses in disguise. Should she offer to show you a quicker route to her family castle, refuse to be drawn from the main road. No matter what happens. Shortcuts almost always end in a quick drop and a hard fall to ruin and death.

Do not, however, run her through. Merely suggesting an alternate route does not automatically decry her an evil enchantress, so proceed on the quest by sticking to the road, but keep your wits about you.

In short, my young heroes, with a heavy dose of common sense, quick thinking, and the ability to keep your feet on the earth and your heart out of the clouds, you should manage to discern the damsel in distress from the evil enchantress and complete your quests in safety.

– Sir Galgadin
Headmaster WIHT School of the Round Table

Are there any other tell-tale signs that you can think of that might help valiant questers distinguish between damsels in distress and evil enchantresses in disguise? Share in the comments.

stock photo courtesy of www.splitshire.com/

I thought for sure we’d heard the last from Sir Galgadin, Headmaster of the Warrior-in-Hero-Training School of the Round Table, after he rushed off last time to slay a dragon. But lo and behold, what did I find on my doorstep yesterday evening, but a missive written on ancient parchment, sealed with the WIHT crest, and apparently delivered by carrier pigeon …

It’s been a lamentably long time since my last post here on this good blog, but I do have the best of excuses. Or perhaps the worst, depending on your point of view.

I was forced to rush off last time to deal with a livestock stealing dragon that has been terrorizing the countryside with his terrible breath and BBQ sauce. Apparently he likes the taste of toasted knight almost as much as he likes roast mutton or seared villager.

Needless to say, the villagers of Hardale need fear said dragon no longer.

And I’m pleased to announce my release—at last!—from the Extreme Burns section of the Hospital. Note to self: plate mail is a marvelous conductor of heat.

This serves as a remarkable introduction for my next topic in our Questology 101 series: First Aid Kits.

I know it sounds a rather mundane topic, when we could be talking about three ways to dismantle a troll bridge, or Odysseus’ fool proof method for escaping a cyclops’ cooking pot, but having a good first aid kit just might save your life.

Knight errantry is not the safest vocation in the world. There are certain unavoidable occupational hazards: sword wounds, arrow wounds, dragon fire, dragon claws, and saddle sores to name a few.

A good quester never travels without a well-stocked first aid kit, including the following items:

Clean bandages

Please! It’s not like we’re living in the Dark Ages here. A few rolls of clean bandages should more than cover the usual quest. There is absolutely no need for a hero to tear a strip off his filthy, blood stained shirt to bandage a wound. Can you imagine a more perfect breeding ground for infection?

Such things belong only to the movies … and perhaps the most epic of battles where you scarce have time between one fight-for-your-life and the next. Otherwise, pack clean bandages and always restock whenever you are in a (more) civilized part of the world.

Antiseptic/Clean Water

Gangrene is a more terrible killer than most monsters I’ve battled. Infection should be avoided at all costs. (Hence the emphasis on clean bandages!) Unfortunately, a good antiseptic is often worth its price in gold, so many healers resort to using wine. When in doubt, at least rinse the wound with good clean water to remove any foreign agents before bandaging … with clean bandages.

Herbs

There are many herbs considered of medicinal value, however, I am a knight and therefore neither an herbalist nor an apothecary. I insist you visit your local physician for suggestions before heading out into the field with an incomplete or inadequate first aid kid. Some herbs commonly used for the treatment of questing injuries are yarrow (excellent for staunching wounds or stopping a nosebleed) and comfrey (also called knitbone, used as a compress on fractures, bruises, and other injuries). Again, I advise you to consult your local physician.

Sutures kit

A curved needle, silk thread (if you’re rich) and sinew (if you’re not), and you’ve got yourself an excellent sutures kit. I know, I know, it’s all about the scars! They make a quester look so terribly heroic and ruggedly, dashingly handsome … but not at the risk of infection. A good first aid kid should include the supplies necessary to perform a simple suturing.

Another post from the Headmaster of the Warrior-in-Hero-Training School of the Round Table arrived on my desk this morning. True to his word, Sir Galgadin is supplying us with lectures and class notes that he believes will help both authors and heroes in combating the villainous alumni of the Academy of Ultimate Villainy.

Between rogue dragon attacks, exploding portals, and misplaced giants bumbling around, this week might be considered somewhat hectic out at the Warrior-in-Hero-Training School of the Round Table. Unfortunately, of late hectic has become more the norm than otherwise.

As I mentioned last time, one of our entry level classes is Questology 101, and one of the first things we cover is packing.

Now I can hear all you brave, young heroes groaning. You think there’s nothing more adventurous than simply strapping a knife to your belt and dashing into the wild to survive on your own. And you might be right. It is adventurous. You might survive for a day … or two … possibly three if you’re lucky. But we’ll get to the survival portion later.

I blame modern entertainment for the myriad misconceptions in regards to heroes and quests. Fantasy movies and novels love portraying heroes who dash off at a moment’s notice without a scrap of anything in their pockets and a suspiciously-empty-looking satchel on their backs.

But a good hero is always prepared.

The right supplies could just save your life. So today, we will focus on what to pack for your quest … and what to leave behind. (Namely, the kitchen sink. Trust me, you won’t need it.)

A reliable map

We don’t all of us have the internal directional system of a ranger. Some of us are forced to rely on other, more mundane means of navigation. (Yes, occasionally, we even need to ask for directions. Shocking, I know.) A good map is priceless. Especially when quests so often take us into that vast trackless land known as the wild, where maps are few and far between and rarely show what you need.

In such instances, a reliable guide is a suitable substitute. Emphasis on reliable. If he’s looks or smells like he’s just downed a bottle, best to move on.

Eatables – Non-Perishable

I can’t tell you how many novels I’ve read in which the heroes snare/trap/shoot their dinner and cook it over the campfire while singing heroic ballads beneath the stars. Fantasy. Pure fantasy. Hunting or trapping requires both time and patience – priceless commodities on a quest.

I don’t say you won’t have the chance to get off a shot or two at potential supper while questing, but you should consider this your backup plan … not your main food supply.

Pack plenty of non-perishable eatables, foods that will last and can withstand all manner of rough treatment in your knapsack. Hard bread. Dried meat. Sausage. That sort of thing. Expect to tighten your belt a notch or two as you go along. Never fear, a hero’s welcome awaits you when you return home.

Drinkables

Water is a must. Always carry a spare canteen. You never know when you’ll hit a patch of wilderness where all the water is brackish or poisoned for miles around, or when you’ll be stuck wandering in a desert for days on end. Water, my friends, will save your life.

Again, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read a novel or watched a movie in which the hero never carries a canteen. It’s as if there are magic springs that simply gush forth from the ground whenever he or she become thirsty. Wouldn’t that be handy?

Language Guide

I don’t know about you, but I know few heroes who are fluent in more than half a dozen languages. Most know only one. And yet somehow, in all those novels and movies we’ve already discussed, heroes rarely seem to have any trouble communicating with foreigners, both enemies and allies.

Until you pass your fantasy-linguistics class – much later on in our training – I suggest locating a helpful language guide and carrying it with you on quests. And by helpful, I mean one that does more than just tell you how to say words like “dog” and “cat” and “red ball.” In some fantasy realms, such phrases could get you killed.

On that note, it is best to know a little bit about the culture in which you must journey before embarking on your quest. Among scholars, this is generally considered the best way to avoid the armored cantaloupe headed monkey fiasco of 1349. (Ask your instructors about that one.)

Tinder Box

Quests tend to be cold, wet, nasty affairs. If you wish to avoid developing pneumonia, or dying of some strange parasite or bacteria from raw meat, or freezing to death, fire is an absolute necessity.

Tinder boxes are quite useful creations. (For the uninformed: a tinder box consists of tinder – loose dry particles of charcloth or straw or lint – a flint, and steel. The fire-wielder strikes the flint and steel until sparks fly into the tinder. From there it’s a matter of blowing and feeding until the fire is large enough to catch twigs.) Handy, isn’t it?

Not the sort of thing you’d want to leave home without.

Warm clothes

I am aware that this one seems fairly obvious. But it’s best to pack at least one extra set of clothes beside the pair on your back. One never knows when one might be dunked into freezing cold water, or half buried alive by a vengeful snow-clad mountain.

This however, is not the time to color coordinate your outfits. Warm, functional clothing is best. (Though who’s to say functional can’t be fashionable too? As long as you don’t pack the kitchen sink.)

Weapons

I nearly didn’t put this one down, because hopefully by the time you are going on a quest, carrying weapons should be second nature to you. You should no more accidentally leave the house without your weapons than you should without your shoes.

Of course the type of weapons you carry will depend on your personal abilities and likes and dislikes. And occasionally, they may differ from quest to quest as you feel the need to go undercover now and again.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, I fear that’s all for today. I hear another dragon scratching at the gate -pesky nuisance dragons – so I must hasten to the rescue. Duty calls!

Oh, and by the way, do come back next time for my lecture on Stocking a Quester’s First Aid Kit.

(Thought I’d forgotten about first aid, did you? Marvelous stuff! It can save your life! Speaking of which, excuse me while I grab some burn lotion to carry into battle with me. Can’t be too careful when fighting a dragon, especially not one who carries a bottle of barbecue sauce around with him.)

~ Sir Galgadin
Headmaster of the WIHT School of the Round Table

What are some things you might include in your satchel if you were planning on going on a quest?