Villainy 101 – Page 2

Villainy 101 – 3 Steps to Launching Yourself as a Super-Villain

January 28, 2013 by Gillian Bronte Adams 4 Comments

Editor’s Note: The following audio recording arrived on my desk this week. It has been so long since we’ve received anything from our “friend” at the Academy of Ultimate Villainy, that I begun to fear the worst. From the sound of it, however, our “friend” is still alive and well and hard at work.

TRANSCRIPT:

SPY: Hello? Is this thing on? Ok, good. I don’t have much time. Now, I’m going to talk quietly and hope that none of these villains surrounding me notice me talking into my collar. This is your spy at the Academy of Ultimate Villainy and today you’re in for a treat because I managed to smuggle this microphone into the auditorium with me for History 101 – How to Write It. We’re in the middle of a series on how to launch yourself as a Super-Villain.

So, take out your pens and papers, get ready to takes notes, because we’re going to school.

The evil Instructor, Dr. Sylvia Sinestra, is approaching the podium …

DR. SYLVIA SINESTRA: Hello class. I trust you’ve had a terrible day. Today, we are discussing three key steps to launching yourself as a Super-Villain.

Now there are villains—those that ordinary humans consider villains, second rate criminals, and petty thieves, peasants who don’t deserve the title. And then there are Villains—Super-Villains. The sorts of Villains who not only become a part of history once they are gone, the sort who write it. Who define terror, and brilliance, and cunning for generations to come.

This academy provides you with the tools to become a Super-Villain. And yet, every year, there are those who graduate with all sorts of fancy degrees from this academy and step out into the world ready to take it by storm, only to be lost in the seas of anonymity. Forgotten by history, ignored by the world.

What happened, you ask?

Platform happened.

Marketing. Press. The key to becoming a successful Super-Villain no longer resides in committing heinous crimes alone, although the crime is important. But a true Super-Villain knows that marketing and publicity are no less important to a Villain’s reputation than the crime itself.

So, here are Three Steps to launching yourself as a Super-Villain and being remembered in an increasingly distracted world.

Three Steps to Launching Yourself as a Super-Villain

1) Create a platform.

A fanbase. What, you ask? A fanbase for Villains? Indeed. Surround yourself with those lowlife criminals who will idolize you for your brilliance, those bored young people who want a taste of adventure, those sensationalist reporters who will track your genius. They are your means to making your name known to the world.

2) Social Media

The importance of social media in our world can no longer be ignored. As a Villain, you must take advantage of this. Create a Villain fanpage. Set up false accounts to spread rumors of your activities. Once you begin it, they, those gullible ordinary people, will continue you. And you will become a part of history.

3) Establish your “Personal Brand” as a Villain

In order to stand out amidst all the other Villains in the world, you need something to set you apart. This is your brand, your mark, something that you use to claim a crime as your own. It can be anything from a calling card left at the scene, to a particular type of crime and a particular manner of carrying it out. Whatever it is, you want to give your fans and your enemies something definite to point to, so when they hear of a crime committed by The Gravedigger, they’ll know exactly what to expect.

And along with that, this final admonition: Be original—copycatting may be the sincerest form of flattery, but you are not here to flatter the Villains who have gone before, you are here to establish your name as a Super-Villain in your own right!

Follow these three steps, and you will become Super-Villains capable of writing your own history!

Tomorrow, we will look at the proper procedure for hiring evil henchmen. And there will be a 50 question quiz over the material we have just discussed. Class dismissed.

SPY: Well folks, looks like that’s all for today. Hopefully I’ll be able to sneak this microphone into class with me again tomorrow. Providing of course, I’m not caught and thrown to the dragon before then.

This is your spy at the Academy of Ultimate Villainy, signing off.

Note: Sound effects found through Freesound.org. Many thanks to redjim, cmusounddesign, dobroide, J. Zazvurek, and RHumphries for the use of their sound effects.

Villainy 101 – Heroic Propaganda

March 30, 2012 by Gillian Bronte Adams 3 Comments

Editor’s note: I apologize for the lack of villainous posts lately. Since the unfortunate demise of the previous Evil Instructor, the AUV’s been in rather a tizzy. Rumors of treachery and betrayal are never far absent in a place where Treachery and Betrayal are degree programs. I’ve had to lay low for a while… and by low, think subterranean. But now, at long last, I’m pleased to present to you, the next lecture from the AUV – Heroic Propaganda.

Today, little villains, we shall be discussing heroic propaganda. There are several dastardly lies which the heroes, aided by their author friends, endeavor to broadcast as truth. But the worst, the deadliest, the most dastardly of all is the idea that the villain is doomed to failure.

Good triumphs over evil. The dawn comes after the darkest hour of the night. Blah, blah, blah.

Ridiculous.

Such sentiments pop up everywhere. The previous Evil Instructor of this Academy, as you well know, was sent to the dragon for expressing just such an opinion. It’s dangerous. Don’t let it get you discouraged. Don’t even think it.

Heroic propaganda is a two pronged weapon against honest villains.

Psychological Warfare

The first prong is that of psychological warfare. The heroes seek to demoralize us by promoting belief in heroic invincibility and villainous stupidity. If they can make us believe that we are doomed to failure, we will fail. If they can make us believe that our death is certain, we will die. It’s as simple as that. Don’t fall for it for a moment.

Now, I majored in Villainy not Statistics, but statistically speaking, just because the vast number of reported cases end with the victor’s crown going to the hero, does not mean that there are not an equal (if not larger) number of “unreported” cases in which the villain triumphs! The annals of villainy are filled with tales of conquest! As I’ve said before, authors, the media, and humanity in general, are all on the hero’s side. Of course they’re going to report the victories and bury the losses.

The hero wins. The villain dies. The hero gets the girl.

Pure poppycock.

Only stupid villains die. The real villains, the truly bad ones, well, ours are the tales you won’t see showing up on the children’s book store shelves. Because we win. Though I will admit that the hero often ends up with the lady love. But what do we care? The sort of girl who would chase after a hero certainly isn’t worthy of a first class villain.

That’s why you’re here. To become a first class villain. You are the villains of tomorrow. We at the AUV are determined that the name of Villainy should carry on to perpetuity untarnished. That is why you study, to become the absolute worst villains you can be.

Now, moving on.

Hope

The second prong of heroic propaganda is far more potent than the first. Rather than just seeking to inspire fear of inescapable doom in us, heroic propaganda seeks to plant within the hearts of the heroes, an unquenchable spark of hope.

Hope. It’s elusive. Tiny. So small it seems you could crush it with one finger, so frail, it looks as though a puff could blow it out.

But hope is resilient, like adamant. It lives on when all else has perished.

The hero may stand on the verge of utter destruction, his world crumbling beneath his feet, weapons shattered, defenses gone, helpless against the coming storm. And still, flickering within his chest, that tiny spark of hope endures. He thinks that somehow, someway, something good will rise from the ruin and defeat evil yet again.

And yet, if you can quench that spark of hope, the hero becomes as helpless and supple as putty in your hands. Despair. The great slayer of hope.

But, you ask, is not despair also a great motivator? Might despair not spur the hero on to equally heroic and horrific deeds? Yes. But despair we can manipulate to our own ends. Despair we can use to destroy. Hope is unreachable.

Your job as a top villain, is to slay hope. Spread the seeds of despair, stamp out the sparks of hope, and prove once and for all, that victory goes to him who earns it. A villain as well as a hero may earn the victor’s laurels.

Editor’s note: As dangerous as it is, I wouldn’t trade this job for the world! Be on the lookout for further posts from the AUV. Be assured that I will send them in as often as I safely can. Er… excuse me. The alarm’s going off again. That must mean they’ve discovered some trace that I’ve been around. I do my best, but trying to write on the run is rather difficult! :) Signing off!

Villiany 101 – 5 Things Every Villain Should Do

December 29, 2011 by Gillian Bronte Adams 16 Comments

[Editor’s Note: Welcome back from the Holidays! I hope you all had a very Merry Christmas! And that you didn’t spend Christmas like me, dodging down black alleys, hiding in trashcans, and sneaking around in a coat and ski mask, all so that I could obtain the following transcript from my top secret double agent currently undercover at the Academy of Ultimate Villainy.

It was harrowing. But I survived that 3 story fall from the rooftop into the dumpster and (most importantly!) the briefcase with the precious transcript remained intact!

Here is installment number two from the Academy of Ultimate Villainy on Villainy 101 – 5 Things Every Villain Should Do.]

SPEAKER: Ladies and gentlemen, students, sub-villains, villains, and arch-villains, and any evil henchmen too dull to read the “no evil henchmen permitted” sign on the door, welcome to Villainy 101!

Once again our illustrious Instructor of Villainy has returned safe from battling heroes and their sickening good causes, to speak on the FIVE things a villain should employ to achieve Ultimate Villainy. Pay attention like evil little villains and learn from the worst of the worst! Our dastardly villainous Instructor!

*raucous applause*

INSTRUCTOR: Thank you, Mr. Speaker. Once again, may I say what a terrible pleasure it is to be here this evening! Ahem. No cameras, if you please. Pictures are absolutely forbidden. Violators will be fed to the dragon!

Now, to begin. 5 things a villain should employ to achieve Ultimate Villainy.

1) Mystery

Mystery is the key to evil villainy. Now, I know that you will recall from our last session that I warned against the dangers of the grandiose speech and info download, and said that silence was key to villainy. Mystery outranks silence.

There are two forms of mystery which may be employed by the astute villain.

The first is in regard to planning. You must maintain mystery in regard to your evil plots and devious plans. Do not speak your plans aloud – you can see how this is tied to the speeches, do you not?

Heroes are the worst eavesdroppers in the world! Many a poor villain has spouted off the particulars of his plan in what he thought was the privacy of his secret lair, only to discover too late that he had company! You may have the most elaborate security system in the world, the best guard dog, the finest trip wires, and a state of the art alarm system. Regardless, the heroes will get in, and they will overhear, and you will die.

In fact, it’s best if you don’t even think your brilliant plans. Authors are mind readers. And as we’ve already said, authors are always ALWAYS on the heroic side. Keep your plans a mystery!So, don’t speak your plots aloud. Don’t write them down. And never, ever, leave top secret files lying around. Or passwords already typed into computers. Seriously? Better yet, don’t store your top secret plans on the computer. Heroes are excellent hackers.

The second aspect of mystery employed by dastardly clever villains is the mystery of identity! On the whole, we villains are a terrifying breed. Men quake at the merest whisper of our names. Identity and reputation is everything. There are some, however, of a less fear inspiring sort (or those who wish to keep their identities hidden for nefarious purposes) who must resort to other methods. A mysterious identity is the thing for these villains.

3 steps to achieving a mysterious identity:

Forget your own name. It is no longer yours. You have a new name. There is some controversy over whether a mysterious villain should suggest his own name or leave it to the terrified commoners to supply. I have seen many a poor mysterious villain labeled with the ignoble epithet of Bigfoot or Boogeyman due to bystander ignorance and lack of creativity. Generally, I find it best to use one of those random Villain name generators available on the Internet.
Choose a wardrobe – preferably something dark and scary. Ordinarily, I am in favor of a wide range of colors for Villains (black is so cliched!). However, when it comes to Villains maintaining a mysterious identity, dark colors are necessary to inspire the proper fear and elusivity. Ski masks, eyes masks, hooded robes, black top hats, walking sticks, strange face painting jobs, etc. are considered absolutely necessary accessories. If you are in need, contact our Villainous Wardrobing department to acquire these basic necessities.
Work out. I’m sorry, one does not become a Top Villain by sitting on the couch and munching on cheese curls. Prospective mysterious villains must take evil ninja lessons. You must be able to appear and disappear like a flash. Here and there. Now then gone. Like a shadow. Or a big black butterfly flitting from place to place. Yes, Mr. Speaker, I know that “butterfly” is a taboo word. Bat then. A big black bat.
A bonus one! I’m really too generous for my own good. A mysterious villain must strive for unpredictability. Spontaneity is necessary. Rule of thumb: Never show up when expected, and always show up when not expected.

*door bursts open and black clad figure rushes across stage, pauses to bow to the audience, and disappears in a flash, bang, and cloud of smoke.*

Ah yes, the Black Phantom. Excellent, isn’t he?

2) Sinistry

Yes, I invented the word. No, don’t summon the linguistics or grammar police! I doubt they would care to show up here anyway.

Villains get such a bad name in regard to sinistry. The villains portrayed in modern television shows as supposedly dark and sinister are scarcely more than bumbling idiots prancing around in black robes, throwing in an evil chuckle now and then (horrors!) and utterly failing in the department of sinistry!

A true villain should be sinister. Not merely frightening. But soul shattering, knee quivering, lip tremblingly sinister. How does one attain sinistry? By attending my classes of course! Sinistry is often tied to mystery. The unspoken word, the all-knowing look, and the foul smirk all add to sinistry, and unfortunately, the grandiose speech does not.

Villains often use physical tools or appearance to achieve a sinister impression. What is more sinister than Captain Hook’s hook? Or Darth Vader’s creepy breathing? Admittedly, the movies did not give full justice to Captain Hook or Darth Vader. If the common humans ever met the real villains! Pray excuse me a truly evil chuckle as I contemplate the incident.

3) Insanity

It has often been said that there is a fine line between genius and insanity. Never was a truer word spoken. Villains are geniuses. We are also often insane. And proud of it! Insanity coupled with power inspires fear and terror in the hearts of men like nothing else.

In fact, this route to ultimate villainy has proved so effective throughout history that many villains – regardless of their mental stability – claim insanity and act insanely in order to further their own reputations. Insanity also gives the villain a slight advantage. Who can help but pity a madman? And who can hold a madman wholly culpable for his insane acts?

As I mentioned last time, unless you have received complete and adequate training in the true evil laugh (as of course, I have!), the insane approach is the only time when an evil laugh may be usefully and most fearfully employed.

4) The Miserable Backstory

“But I didn’t ask to be like this. It was my poor upbringing. It was my miserable childhood. It was my abandonment at the age of three that embittered me. It was the author’s fault. It was anyone or anything but me!”

The miserable backstory. Make the most of it. Tell it wherever you can. Even if you have to make it up on the spot. Every evil villain has a miserable backstory. Nowadays, when commoners are more concerned about motivation and psychology than criminals actually taking responsibility for wrong doing, it is easy for the sagacious villain to pass the buck.

An evil villain is often called upon to drop the Miserable Backstory at a moment’s notice, so I suggest writing it out beforehand and memorizing it until you can say it effectively. A few tears work wonders. And that terrible little catch in your voice when you talk about “Mumsie dear’s piteous end!” will catch the hero off guard every time.

Heroes are tough in battle, but incredible softies when it comes to actually pitying people. The Miserable Backstory will work every time! It is also an excellent way to engage reader sympathy and interest. Once the reader is emotionally involved, the battle is half won!

And once the hero falls for the sob story, victory lies but a quick blow away!

5) —

But wait, before I introduce my next topic and while I am still on the topic of victory, I must… yes, I must make one disclaimer. Bear with me.

A villain strives for victory, but a villain should not expect to win.

*the crowd erupts* What? Lies! Treachery!

Silence. Silence. Cease this uproar immediately! Villains are doomed to failure. It’s a hard fact to swallow, but it is all too true.

Heroes have omniscience on their side. The authors know everything. Why, I wouldn’t be a bit surprised if there are authors listening in right now.

[Editor’s note: You can be sure that when I read this I was glad that I wasn’t there! I shudder to think what might have happened to an author caught eavesdropping in the Academy of Ultimate Villainy!]

Booooo! Hisssssss! He’s a hero-friend! Kick him out!

Hear me out! I’m simply stating the truth. And then there’s something about this age old battle of good against evil, light against darkness, that keeps cropping up in so many fantastical and fictional works. Something about evil going to be destroyed forever. It’s depressing, but villains must not be dismayed! Instead, we must…

BOOOOOOOO!

Double-crosser!

Traitor!

TAKE HIM TO THE DRAGON!

What? No. You can’t do that to me! *static on radio* Red Alert. Riot in subterranean room 112, class Villainy 102! Send backup. Please! Ahhhhh!

[Editor’s Note: At this point in time, my contact thought it prudent to slip away before the building collapsed beneath the villainous tumult. Sadly, I therefore do not know what became of the evil Instructor of Villainy, what number 5 was going to be, or whether I will be able to obtain any more transcripts from the Academy of Ultimate Villainy or not.]

Villainy 101 – 10 things Every Villain Should Avoid

December 21, 2011 by Gillian Bronte Adams 11 Comments

Having trouble writing that desperately villainous character?

Here are ten things every villain needs to avoid – from the mouth of the greatest villain the world has ever known!

[Editor’s note – I snuck into the Academy of Ultimate Villainy last week for the lecture on Villainy 101 and barely managed to escape with my life and notes! Enjoy!]

Welcome to Villainy 101. Those of you gathered here are some of the world’s most promising students of villainy. You are here to learn from the best.

Your instructors (whose names will remain anonymous to preserve the element of suspense and secrecy that every good villain employs) are renowned as the world’s greatest, most nefarious, dastardly, and malevolent practitioners of all things treacherous, deadly, and self serving. If the heroes knew that this gathering were taking place, they would undoubtedly launch an attack attempting to destroy the pinnacle of villainy forever!

Such an attack would fail of course, because we have taken every precaution, placing the most desperately evil henchmen in our employ at every available entrance and exit except the cat door which is so small no hero could possibly use it for entry…

Ahem, thank you Mr. Speaker. Let’s proceed shall we? Ten things a villain should avoid.

1) Grandiose speeches

Mr. Speaker has provided us with several good examples in his opening remarks of this common villainous fault. We all know that evil villains are wholly self centered. We love to hear ourselves speak – after all, we are the greatest people in the world! Who better to listen to?

This tendency, however, can become dangerous, if we allow ourselves to get too carried away. The history of villainy is full of the epitaphs of noble villains who when poised on the threshold of victory were carried away by their own eloquence and allowed the protagonist to escape! As an evil villain, you must hold back the tide of rhetoric until the opportune moment.

2) The info download

Mr. Speaker was also villainous enough to demonstrate this error for us today. “Such an attack would fail, of course, because we have taken every precaution…”

Authors (good *shudder* people that they are!) often assign to villains the unenviable task of blurting out the most obvious sorts of hints and telltale giveaway signs to advance the plot.

Often the info download is encased in a grandiose speech. Avoid both at all costs. The info download is the author’s less than subtle method of informing both the reader and the protagonist of every detail of your villainous plot/fortress/or defense mechanisms. The golden rule of villainy is silence!

3) “I’m going to kill your girl friend!”

Oh please. Not again. If there ever was a more overused villainous tactic, I have yet to hear of it. The essence of evil villainy is creativity. If you can’t think of anything more creative than threatening the hero’s love interest, then you belong in the ranks of dimwitted evil henchmen not at the head of the line. Enough said.

4) “Well, well, well. What have we here?”

Is there something sinister about this repetition? Well, well, well… If one of you graduates of this villainous academy ever uses this insipid line, I shall personally pay you an unpleasant visit, burn your diploma, and subject you to the most painful and regrettable punishments that a student of villainy can imagine.

5) The C.C.C. – Clever Comeback Combat

Never ever engage the hero in a clever comeback challenge. It does not matter how many degrees you have earned in evil wit and insultery, the hero will always be wittier, cleverer, and sharper.

[Settle down there. Order. Order, if you please! The next person to interrupt gets sent to the dragon!]

Now, the art of short sharp comebacks belongs to the author who inevitably bestows it upon the hero, not the villain. According to the 2011 Authorial Manual, authors are simply not allowed to endow the villain with clever comebacks.

And try as we might, no manner of threatening has yet induced the author to give up the clever comeback key. You simply must accept it as a fact of life and remember to never engage in a clever comeback combat. Inevitably, the hero uses c.c.c. as a distraction and it is a short step and a drop kick from there to utter ruin!

6) Gloating

Naturally, we take pleasure in victory. Having succeeded against all odds – the authors are out to get us, you know – the moment that triumph is at hand, we cannot help but gloat!

However, the number one rule of gloating is don’t gloat until the hero is good and dead… and buried for a week. Heroes are a tenacious breed. They are capable of getting out of the worst possible scrapes and surviving situations and blows that would down you or me in a minute…

I said no more interruptions! I know, I know, it’s not fair.

Authors play favorites. And villains, unfortunately, are always handed the short end of the stick! So until you are absolutely, positively, without a shadow of a doubt, convinced that the hero and all of his (or her) friends are dead, then you must refrain from gloating in victory!

7) The evil chuckle

This is almost more cliched than threatening the hero’s girl friend! “I’m going to destroy the entire world and you can’t stop me, mwhahaha!”

Seriously. Who laughs like that? There are very few villains who can carry off a true evil laugh without sounding like a Disney wantabe villain. Unless you are utilizing the insane approach, DO NOT LAUGH! This is yet another technique employed by authors to make villains appear less than we are.

8) “Look behind you…”

*shudders* This single line predicts woe and disaster for the villain. There are two common courses of action employed when the hero suddenly pulls this grenade from his pocket. Both should be avoided.

The first is simply to scoff. The hero is using a distraction technique. Just ignore him. This will likely get you killed. Heroes know that we know this is a distraction technique and have long since abandoned it as such. In fact, they have removed it from the Hero’s Handbook of Subtle Trickery and Deceptive Distraction!

So, the second option is to believe that the hero is telling the truth (I know it seems ridiculous, but heroes seem to like that sort of thing, for some reason!) whereupon the only course of action is immediate and unconditional surrender. This will likely get you killed as well.

Therefore, I suggest another option. The instant those lines come out of the hero’s mouth, shoot him, stab him, whatever… Just kill him. Then employing evasive maneuver 3, stop, drop, and roll, and come up shooting whatever assailant was behind you. The key to success in this action, is speed!

9) Evil henchmen

If ever there was a dark blot on the history of villainy, it was on those who fill the ranks of evil henchmen. Why is it, that there are so many dumb evil henchmen? One would think – statistically speaking – that the hero would get a dumb sidekick every now and then, and a really clever man would choose to enlist in our ranks!

As an evil villain, your responsibility is to choose carefully who you allow in your employ. The destruction of the world rest upon your hiring decisions! Demand resumes, check references, use I.Q. Tests!

And make sure that your evil henchmen can fight! Most evil henchmen have no more fighting skills than a wet noodle! Utilize rigorous training techniques. Instruct your men in the art of war, strategy, and treachery. And if ever the phrase, “Duh, I don’t know,” emits from the mouth of one of your men, send him to the dragon!

10) The Elaborate Trap

I know that when one has little to do besides plan the destruction of the world, the death of all who stand in the way, and one’s own subsequent aggrandizement, it is easy to become carried away in planning ridiculously elaborate traps for the hero.

Trust me.

Elaborate traps are doomed to failure. No matter how many hours you have spent in diagramming or how many engineers you have employed, the hero is always instantly able to spot the single trip wire that can be undone or the one bolt that will cause the whole thing to fall apart.

Believe it or not, but in studying the annals of villainy, I have discovered that the single event responsible for the failure of most elaborate traps is that the villain suddenly decides that, much as he would like to watch the hero being blown to bits, his plot is so time sensitive that he has to leave to bring the final pieces into place. Not only that, but all of the guards have to come with him. The few guards who are left behind inevitably fall to either drink or fighting, and the hero escapes without breaking a sweat!

This is an insult to the evil name of villainy. No elaborate traps, if you please. Beheading, the firing squad, and the fire pit are all sure methods of dispatching of the hero. But if you must employ an elaborate trap, then at least stick around to make sure it works!

Ah, yes, thank you evil Villain Instructor (whose name shall remain anonymous) for your inspiring speech. Alright class, tune in next time to hear your villainous instructor speaking on what a villain should do!